Life if the most bittersweet transcendence of time one can ever hope to be a part of. We never can truly appreciate the moments as they slip through our fingers because we are never supposed to feel anything beyond the here and now. It is incredulous to think that right now in this space I am surrounded by so much life and love. Fast forward 30 maybe even 40 years and all the characters of this time would have changed. The animals that run and play through the halls will be passed on. My vibrant 2 year old son will hopefully be a middle aged man. And I well I will be retired into my 70 with the life that I know it to be as not even something that I could even dare to dream up.
I want to surround myself with the people and the memories that have always made me feel like I was important to them in their day in somehow. Magical moments that will sing and dance in those dark moments of your life when nobody comes to visit. Striving our whole lifetimes to find a purpose that makes sense. We are bound to those that we think we owe our lives too but every minute those people change. Do they always have to change? Sometimes it feels like in the World there are always these opportunities that catapult us into the next realm of being. There is more to the superficial phenomenon that we have become accustomed too. What happens when are normal is no longer that? The morning that were spent with our family across the table now sits just you. In an instant everything, everybody whipped out. Now in the silence when you have to try and find a purpose all you can find around you is pain. Nothing feels right. This storey is all wrong it has to be somebody else’s nightmare. If only I could just wake up.
A tragedy wouldn’t be a tragedy without devastating a whole community. The heartbreak is felt by all who breath in the hot sticky air of change. The rebirth of Spring is quickly nipping at our toes but for some they don’t even see the change in the weather. The sun is out? How is that possible!! Don’t they know how much this hurts. Living hurts. Being hurts. Trying to find a purpose in a World that struck me at my lowest I don’t see how one could ever believe in rainbows and unicorns. Maybe that is what caused my World to go veering so far off course. I needed to feel and be present for some of the toughest heart breaks one will ever endure. In every single scenario life kept marching on. Without skipping a beat tomorrow came, and the next day and the next day. What did change was you. Not your presence though. But those beings we got so used to embracing and then we took them for granted. We ALL do that. I am doing that right now. I wish I had time in my day to talk to my mom EVERYDAY. What is stopping me? Out of fear of an hour long phone call? Yes that is just one more thing I need to change. I have to make that morning call because once you do the calls won’t need to be so long. It will be just a quick hey how was yesterday. I love and miss you. Till we see each other again. I am not ready for a World without her but by me not taking the time I am already showing the Universe I am.
Aging although beautiful is also incredibly hard to watch. It would be even more so for those that are going through it. I dream of being able to make it into my golden years but…
My grandmother passed very soon after she was diagnosed. It came to a shock to all of us. For her children that were left behind to pick up the pieces it became even that more devastating when my grandfather was showing signs of dementia. Maybe it was easier for him. Imagine living most of your life with another person. And now you wake up and she is no longer there. I can not imagine that feeling. It was probably easier that way for him. To not remember her dying left him on a constant search to find her. Until his mind was always somewhere else. This is where we go. This is what we look forward too. I couldn’t visit him as often as I liked because I was living in Kamloops. Nothing would stop me from visiting that man and holding his hands. I tell you even now I would long just to sit with him one more time. Even though he didn’t know who I was I never questioned that he loved me. Every so often his eyes would flicker and his lips would curl up and I knew he remembered me.
Our families have this incredible hold on us. Even in their passing we still trying to honour them by living a life we think would make them proud. It’s hard though. Not for me. For those who feel forgotten about. For those for whatever reason where once had a family now they have to find the strength to pull themselves out of bed. That is why we should all strive to be kind. There is so much tragedy hitting our communities like wildfire that all we can consistently offer the World is a kind selfless heart. We have all stared down the long lines of reality getting ready to jump, or sing, or whatever it is going to take to make it all stop. Maybe your pain can be another’s salvation. I mean that is who you are to me. A brave, courageous woman who when had to make a choice made a hard one. You made the choice to find a new way of surviving. All that is needed right now is to keep breathing in and out. Let the ones who love you help guide you through. If for only a moment. A moment that came to soon.