“All we are is the result of what we have thought. We are made of out thoughts; we are molded by our thoughts.” -The Bhagavad Gita.
Everyday we are held captive by our own poisonous thoughts. We gravitate towards those feelings of negativity because it is so much easier to find a sympathetic ear to listen to your pain. When it comes to celebrating victories you are better off to remain alone. How incredibly insane is that rational. Yes it is true that when we feel like our lives are over or our heart is breaking it is so much easier to imagine the end of it all. It doesn’t have to be as drastic as taking your own life but there has to be something to help ease the pain. Your most loved friends who hate to see somebody they love so much in pain will quickly come to your defense and what the hell let’s burn something in unison to show our sisterhood.
Yes you are right you will never find anybody better or that was definitely the best job you have ever had. Don’t get me wrong I love a good psychotic cyclone but the older I get the more begin to see that maybe all this negativity is time to be gone. I spent (hopefully) half of my life trying to manipulate situations and people to meet my needs. I had a misguided misconception of how things were supposed to feel or be. I have sat in silence for so long trying to understand what is I would like to achieve in this life. The one answer that always comes back around is I just want to try and help comfort those in extreme pain. I have survived what I consider to be the most basic of hardships. Pets dying, family members dying, leaving or just plain hating you, being fired, being dumped. There are so many more creative ways that are hearts can be broken it seems a little bit odd we have found no other way than ice cream and chocolate to try and make the World feel just a teeny bit better.
There are even crazier times ahead. Even worse heart breaks. Everything I mentioned happens to us all. There would have to be a way to help each and every one transmission through because loss, heartbreak, failure will hit each and every one of us…unless we are dead. For those in our lives we are nearing the end of theirs it is almost impossible to watch. The resort back to their earlier years. Soiling themselves, inability to get around, sometimes see and the worst part is the inability to communicate or remember who they are. They are on the fast track. We need more compassion to these beings that have lived their whole lives. Maybe sacrificed their whole beings to a society that would rather pound useless information, beliefs and even hate into their minds. As they fight the battle between ego and mind they lose who they truly are with all the useless information that has been hurled at them from years. The lives that these humans lived should be admired for the strength it would have taken to have been lead. Lead by the nose hairs as their whole existence became one where they saw their whole time on Earth as just another blip on the screen.
So why is it that those people that have lived through times that we will never fully understand we shove aside. For the minds that are still able we should hear their life storey just one more time. What an incredible time we live in. I would love to hear my Grandmother’s voice one more time. There is nothing I would give to the World just to hear her voice sing the lovely Russian hymn of the bluebird with the broken arm. All those moments I took for granted as a child. It’s those moments that were so bountiful that I never spent much time absorbing. I would have sat so quietly and engraved every little impression into the back of my mind. I can’t believe in maybe 40 years when my soul is hopefully reunited with hers it will all make sense. It is so hard to believe that there will be a time where nobody has ever knew my name. It is the time right now when I don’t even know the names of my Great Grandparents. So that would mean my mom’s Great Grandparents will one day soon be alive in nobody’s minds. That is who we are. We longer want to remember who we were before. The people who made it all possible. The ones who gave us life and taught our parents what it meant to be human. Now I get it. Now I understand.
In the last years of her life it was not longer about money or things or what the media wanted us to believe what life had to offer. It was the simple things. It was keeping us safe and loved and happy. It was visiting often if not just for a spot of tea and if we were lucky enough ice cream. I think about the last time she stood on top of those stairs as I walked away. The pain of losing somebody I loved with all my heart is something I can never forget. It helps me to understand on some level and relate to those who heart is hurting similar to the way that mine does when I think of her. I know that feeling pain means that there was a great deal of love shared by the two. My sadness is more of my guilt of not spending more time with her. She knew. Maybe it is just when you get older. Or maybe your dreams become different. For whatever reason when I left that day she knew. The biggest shock of my life was hearing that she had passed weeks later. Nobody can ever be prepared. So many people go through these emotions every single day. The only way it has gotten even a little bit easier for me is I live like she is still here watching me. To imagine that somewhere inside of somebody they may be feeling this too ignites a common pound. We are just only human. Capable of human emotions and thoughts. No matter how far we evolve we should always remember of where we have been. Becoming to impersonally impersonal will be the next rise and fall. You can only get so far in life without intimate connections of the heart. Life is founded by love and love is the beginning life so if we strip it down to the basics love is all that is left. Allowing yourself to forgive and love you first will allow you to open up so much more. These are risks worth taking. These are lives worth loving. Find the reflection that resonates inside each of us in order to understand the true meaning behind life.