For those of you who know my storey already know that I am convinced that something divine happened to me that day my son breathed his first breath. I wanted to say born but the fact is he was cut from my body. For whatever the reasons that I will never be entirely sure of the one thing I am completely convinced of is whatever did happen in that space of time it altered the path of my life.
Of course you could say that everybody’s life changes dramatically when they have a child. There is no way that life as you remember it will ever be the same. It is true what they say a piece of your heart beats outside of you when you are a mom. That lil piece of you that laughs and smiles and fills your heart with every emotion imaginable. There was a time in my life I thought I would never be blessed with being a mom. For some they will never know that feeling. In the same way I can never imagine theirs. Hopefully though in a more forgiving World those feelings can be exchanged amongst each other. Where once there was a void in the motherless heart she can hopefully know the feeling that only one feels when being present for the birth of a new life. Now here I was. One of those that I thought would always be motherless thrust into this new life that I was struggling to understand.
I drew myself in. What else does one do when they are uncertain of exactly what just happened to them. In a single instant on the brink of life and death me and my son stood in that vast moment in time and made the decision to jump together. There is a bound that comes with a beginning like that. Waiting for 3 days just to see him. Pictures did not do that precious new being justice. I longed to hold that fragile little creature and never let him go. Vowing right then and there with my little man in my arms I would do whatever it took to make my World a better place. I had to. His future and dreams were at stake. Everything I did from this day forward would be pivotal to who he would become. Yes my husband was always around but in those hours when it is just a mother and son…well that bond that connects us is incredible.
Staying at home I engaged in activities that would enhance my skillset while my lil one napped. In the beginning it was exercise. Back on the treadmill to lose all that baby weight. But then all of a sudden I began to read. It was around the same time. Well to be exact a little bit after that I happened upon a book that laid out what they believed to be the secrets of life. As I began to embrace my new way of being life began to be so meaningful but there was always something in the way. I knew that was commonly believed to be the fastest way to spiritual enlightenment was to quiet the mind. This is a skill that has to be practiced as much as possible. It doesn’t mean that you exhibit no emotion. It means that you are able to find as much joy in the chaotic moments as you can in the sad. It’s confusing. I never thought I could understand what was being said so I decided to write down the poetic quotes and thoughts that I got inspiration from. Isn’t that the purpose of each of our own life’s journey. To find purpose and fulfillment?
It was while reading “The Bhagavad Gita” by Eknath Easwaran that maybe just maybe it was beginning to make a little bit more sense. What caught my attention was the mention of the 3 gates of the self destructive hell. Could it be possible that I was contantly opening up one of these gates? Would this prevent me from gaining true harmony and peace within my life. Well why would I even ask that question of course it would. The three gates are: lust, anger and greed. I think it is common for most of us to experience greed especially when we are young. We are conditioned to believe that having more is what makes have great wealth. Our mistake in being that THE only thing we take with us at the end of this life is our character. Every quality that we have adhered to and acquired over the course of this existence will be the qualities used to catapult us into the next. I have given up greed long ago. I would rather see those that I inhabit the Earth with feel fulfilled and happy. I am eternally thankful for my existence and being able to watch my son grow up. What more could I possibly ask for?
Then of course lust. We all become consumed with our own lust inspired thoughts. We are taught and told that sex feels good, which this is all true. But in the absence of sex and lust with only really the time engaged in these activities to conceive our son I questioned everything about my marriage. How could it be that people always talk about these relationships that are always sex fuelled. Again instead of looking for outside gratification I drew myself in. At the time when it was all happening I was confused and irritated like I was defected in some way. Keeping to myself and continuing to read though the answer that I was looking for would soon begin to become clear.
The last gate towards self destruction is of course anger. There is this rage that pours from me at the very minor of irritations when it comes to my husband. I have no idea why it happens or for how long it will last. There are mild irritations and then there are the major ones. Major to me are the lies, cigarettes and down right laziness. However! This does not allow me to spurn this much negativity towards him in the manner that I do. I am frequently angry. Probably even before he walks in the door. I use his indiscretions from the past to fuel me forward into the future. Everyday I set myself up to fail with my inability to see myself in his eyes. It was only through reading that I discovered this passage, “Be fearless and pure; never waver in your determination. Be self-controlled, sincere, truthful, loving and full of the desire to serve. Cultivate vigor, patience, will, purity; avoid malice and pride. Then you will achieve your divine destiny.” So there it is. Well there it seems. The key to unlocking my true potential lies in closing this last self destructive gate. To me it seems if only I can gain control over being able to lock this gate I will be in control of my destiny. The key that I was looking for in the first two came when I drew myself in. So is it possible to gain clarity in these moments of madness by looking for the answer within? Time will tell if I am on the right path or not. One towards redemption or maybe it is salvation I seek. Either way I am excited for all the possibilities that come my way when I just give in and let be.