To Master My Own Existence

There is something undeniable magical and mysterious when it comes to us being here. Like in this exact moment. None of us chose this life or chose to be who we are. If we would have had a choice of who we were going to be do you think we would have chose this? How many of you can look yourself dead in the mirror and say I am proud of who I am and everything that I have done. I can’t. I wish I could. I made mistakes before I even knew what they were. Our reality here should be that only we can judge ourselves by our mistakes. We have to live with them. We have to be accepting of who we are and be able to smile every morning. To have a purpose a reason that goes beyond yourself just to get out of bed. We have all been blessed with this misguided notion for what? For who? Nobody gets out alive and if we do can we live with those choices we made here on Earth. And how will that affect us?

We walk around with this misguided illusion that people care (and most do). Genuine, loving souls will leave impressions on your heart. They will lift you in ways you could never dream. When you surround yourself with those that have love in their hearts and compassion in their souls you will feel forever blessed in their presence. We all have a few of those. Life in and it’s incestuous race to finish first has a buzzing around like bees. But just like the bees who are working overtime so is everybody else on this planet Earth. It is hard to relax and enjoy the sweet simplicity of companionship because we have bills to pay and cupboards to fill. It is the same race on repeat. Forever and ever until one day no more.

There are those though that will do what they can to get to the top. They will tell lies, engage in games and are very manipulative in their ways. For most of us we want to believe anything but. All people are good…right? Why would anybody else want t wish harm on anybody. Survival of the fittest and all that jazz.  There is such a natural force out there pushing and bending us to it’s will that there is really no time to be thinking of anything but. Life happens. Till it doesn’t. Good people get sick. Bad people get rich. And everything else in between. It’s an incredible whirlwind of emotions.

I keep thinking back to the three self destructive gates. The one that is most concerning to me is the rage. I feel the emotion of anger almost every day. Not in a violent or aggressive way. Just that bubbling feeling of getting angry. When the puppy barks when my toddler is sleeping. All the lies my husband tells like life is some sort of game to him. Well maybe not life but married life but he constantly likes to ignite my fuse. Yesterday I tipped over. Reached a boiling point. The straw that broke the camels back. It doesn’t truly matter what set me off but the reality was I was ignited. One two many lies. Inside me driving to violin I felt this uncontrollable sadness. It wasn’t even anger anymore. It was the realization that if I was ever going to truly become the person I was born to be I needed change. The reality was I had given my husband 3.5 years of my life. The blame was always on me. After the seizures I was put on medications. I saw a counsellor. They diagnosed me with PTSD. I say it was survivor’s guilt. The point I am making here is everything over the last few years has been me, me, me.

I spent all this time learning who I was as a person that who I became clearly outgrew my husband’s needs. We weren’t getting along. There was love. Of course there is. We have this beautiful boy that brings us so much joy. We all know though that those aren’t reasons to stay together. In my sadness I began this quest I guess. No matter who I was before I was no longer going to be her. It’s not that there was anything wrong with her. She was no longer the example I wanted to be setting for my son. Partying was on the wayside. Some people may never understand how or why I am the way I am with my son. I honour who he is as a person and try to find the best way to help let that part of him shine. Yes he is two but you can see what excites them and what they love just in by letting them pick out there clothes.

When you have such a treasure you think mostly of ways to enhance his existence no longer your own. You find though that by making yourself better that life has more meaning. There is a misguided sense of priorities that has begun to be handed down. As we make the World more accessible we are also allow the very essence of what it means to be alive slip through our fingers. Machines will definitely be the death of us. But it really doesn’t matter what is. What matters is what happened in that space in time leading up to.  Another struggle of mine is there even a sense of thinking about those things we can not change. Every time I think about those things bad things begin to happen. We can’t change things that are out of our control. With life comes free will so if somebody isn’t getting along with you well you could either let it go or walk away. Ahhh the walk away. Why is the walk away so hard. And how much do you let that pull any weight to your presence in the life that you have become accustomed to. Things need to die in order for us to be able to live. And the more things that die the happier we seem to have become.

All life, your life, is one worth living. You can see the magic within every living being. To assume the righteous position over anything that grace’s the planet is the wrong approach to take. Where once they would thank the beast they would devour now they are lucky to even roam free for even a second of their life. One day all of our answers we will have. We can’t escape the inevitable.  Hopefully though when we reflect back on our lives we have way more moments when we smile because we have selflessly helped somebody in need. Maybe we have loved somebody who was incapable of loving themselves. Maybe we gave our all to a life that was consistently kicking us down. Maybe we tried to kick down life because we had no more life to give. Whatever it is and why ever it is we are here. I hope that my existence makes a difference in somebody else’s. To have an impact on somebody means my character lives on. To live a selfish existence well you can’t really think about yourself after you are gone can you? Existing to live on. What a challenge. To do onto others as you would have done onto you. Not just once but consistently. To become a master of my own existence I think that would give life a purpose don’t you think? A life less ordinary but not at all ordinary with purpose and no regret.