With or Without Me

There are so many thoughts going through my head in any given moment. Right now my face is on fire. I feel sick to my stomach. So many emotions. So many feelings all swirling around. My energy feels electric and even now my skin feels prickly and hot to touch. Maybe it is hormones and this is the onset of menopause. Maybe all my crazy deliriums can be explained away like the way modern medicine wants to perceive it. We rush to put labels on everything instead of allowing what is to just be.  I would google the symptoms but then I would probably have to wake up my son and rush myself to the hospital. I will chalk it up to a little bit of overwhelming nervous energy. Coursing through my veins looking to find an outlet. Trying to still my mind I want to stay far away from the alternative. The journey inwards to where peace resides instead of the outward furry of rage.

I think anger is one of the easiest emotions. I always seem to gravitate towards that. What is even better though as an outlet is music. Playing music was always a great source. Where once I would let others control what my ears would hear now I find that I can carry a little tune. Maybe that is where my flush of embarrassment just come from. I went love on Instagram. Trying to make up for the lack of public audience when playing at home. I know people say that I violin played well is something to hear but although I hear myself playing I am not able to appreciate it. There is so much nervous apprehension of where my fingers need to go and what note I need to play next. Up the bow down the bow. In the land of sharps, flats and lord knows what else. Everyday I play the same songs. Well not everyday but right now I am focusing on I think 8 different ones. I go to violin lessons once a week and try to play at least for 20 to 30 minutes everyday. Toddler permitting. My desire to learn was just to have a way to express myself artistically in a language that was universal throughout time.

A preoccupied mind is a busy mind that will try and keep your ego at bay. My ego used to torment me by trying to put a value on what other people thought of me. The idea that somebody could actually quantify my existence and purpose now seems like insanity to me. I used to value the opinions of those that had little or no value on even themselves. It is amazing what we let our ego talk us into when we let it. There is definitely something in the air when you allow the thoughts of those affect your inner being. It is hard to drown that outside pollution. Vocalizing your internal fears you have no reason but to trust what they are saying. Who are they to be wrong? You should be asking yourself who are they to be right? How on Earth can they begin to even understand the complexity that is you. Like an onion there are so many layers. Layers that make you cry but had incredible seasoning with just a mere pinch of it’s presence. Why can’t life be more like a magical dream. But it is…when you let it. If you can let it for just a small piece of time.

It has taken me all day to write this post. At first I was interrupted by the dogs barking and waking my son. There are the thoughts that I had this morning that seem so far removed from where I am right now. I try to not focus too much on the irritants of the day but it seems to be even more harder than expected. At least for the most part I have felt pretty drawn in. Not in a bad way but in a way where I am processing. Trying to grasp onto what may or may not be happening. Looking for reasons or excuses that may turn the reality in my favour. Into the favour that I have always dreamed of. Dreams though have this way of evolving. No matter what happens in the course of the day we all have this purpose. Always evolving but never absolving into the final breath escapes from the lips.

In the calmness I think if it could ever be possible. Can I ever feel a true love feeling like I have finally found my other half. In my current situation though it seems so surreal. Like the dreams that I had once when I was a little girl were in fact an obscure reality. I remember growing up before all this social medial and technology boom. I remember what it felt like to anxiously await the next day for just the chance of seeing a glimpse of your crush. I mean I would get excited just seeing him for 30 seconds at the gym. Then waste away at home eating chocolate and bon bons until my eyes did once again rest upon his. There was no way of liking photos, sending friend requests, waves. Everything now is so impersonal. Not courting, no nervous anticipation, no feelings. I guess that is why I have become so numb in my marriage. What goes on behind closed doors…well let’s just say those doors don’t have to be closed. Nothing goes on whether they are open or closed. The only passion comes from the casually eruption of furry that one finds when being treated so cold.

With so much out of balance it is a wonder that nightmares of begun. Trying to guide me through this sudden passage of time that I seem to be stuck in. I try to find answers within myself and I look for guidance in sources I feel that I can trust. The issue at hand though is that nobody at all can truly understand the dynamics that I find myself in or what is truly at stake. I find it helps just talking in general to nobody and maybe to somebody who understands. Is that the journey? The purpose to what withdrawing inside is all about. Be preoccupied in the mean time till you find the person that can draw you out. Or maybe it is you who holds the key to help release your inner being. I am only just discovering all that I am. A realization that maybe I can make myself whole and find happiness being that person I was born to be. With or without my husband I am prepared to be.

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