I remember when I was a young girl. So curious with the World around me. Looking for answers and reasonings for what was and going to be. Thinking back I can’t remember how old I was but I remember asking my mother what happened to us when we died. Maybe it was because a pet had passed but I will never forget that look that clouded her face. Sensing that it was a conversation that my mom wanted to avoid I persisted. I just remember her frustrated sigh telling me that she didn’t know and she thought it would be something similar to when we were asleep. Soldiering on I asked her if it was more like a dream or if was black. Like nothing. Like space and time didn’t exist. She just told me that nothing happened when we died. We became nothing, felt nothing and that was it. I remember the fear that coursed through me thinking that there would be a space in time when we would be no longer connected. That I couldn’t wrap my head around. Doesn’t it all seem rather foolish when you think about it. Here live a life try to do good things but at the end of it all it will all mean nothing.
So now here we are. Older not wiser. How can we pretend that we may be something more than what we are. But we do. We have no idea what our purpose is but we like to think that maybe we are somehow moving in the right direction. Nobody likes talking about death. Well those that do are deemed as morbid. Depending on the degree of their obsessions I suppose. It’s hard though to have a heart to heart about your own worst fears I think though the reality is that most of us have the same fears. We are scared that we will look back on our lives and think that we failed. Worse yet we fear that we will run out of time before we make somebody else proud. Then we torture ourselves till our own ending comes. We can never be just so. At peace, content with the serenity. But there is no serenity is there? Just madness. All over the place there seems to be complete and utter bedlam.
The corona virus. The Australian Fires. Donald Trump. We even had the insane nature to bully and terrorize a 16 year old girl who was just trying to say her peace about what we were doing to the World. No wonder why mental illness, anxiety, depression and all other forms of insanity are on the rise. I saw a rumour that there is going to be a complete mental collapse. We aren’t giving the youth the tools they need to succeed. The desire to become something outside of yourself that begins with actually be outside. There was a time when life was more about taking the perfect selfie picture. You know I rarely change my selfie picture for that reason. I hate the idea that we can’t survive any more without being so far removed from reality. Pictures…I remember having to develop the film Sometimes it would takes weeks!! Then if they misspelled your name well there was a change you would never see them. Or if you double exposed them. There was a multitude of ways that the pictures could be destroyed before you even get a chance to see them. People survived though. Without everybody knowing each other’s business. Now we can’t even leave the house without our cell phones and tablets for your kids. Why have we become obsessed with everybody else except for the person in front of us. When did we become so out of touch.
Even those you love to bits you rarely see. Family is busy. Has to keep busy. Bills keep piling up. So do taxes. Life isn’t easy. It would have been a lot easier if it was the good ol days. Tell me how the World is so much better now. We still have diseases, tyrants and everything in between. We take advantage of those we love. Consumed with our own self obsessions and desires. It is not because we are doing anything wrong. This is who we have become now. Our own new normal. Keeping busy and out of touch with our true essence. Those that do get called vain and self absorbed. Well of course it depends on what your obsession has become. After all that is said and done does it really matter anyways. Blink and the whole World has changed. The things and people you knew are no longer. Just a fragment of the shell that we all used to be.
Live in the moment or live for the past. Both places you can never truly be in. Until you can look yourself in the heart and see who it is you always were. Even when time is no longer and everything is just standing still I pray that at least I remember some of this. Even the bad times that broke my heart. I know I had a life worth living and people worth remembering. If I could only take a glimpse to see what may or may not lay on the other side maybe my anxiety will ease. There is some comfort in being surrounded in so much life. But in life though comes death, the sadness and the sorrow. It will affect us all until it no longer doesn’t. I think that is the greatest fear of all. Living this life and not being able to take even a piece of it with me. Or maybe I get to and it all has become frozen in time. I wish those that I am missing or missing me too. I wish there was some way of knowing. Maybe it comes in the inner peace that follows when a memory of them crosses my mind. Maybe they are able to think of me too.