Thinking back I had a terrible time in high school. I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. I spent most of my time dating the same guy. He was older and newish to town so we really just spent most of our time together. I was always awkward. Saying things at the wrong time. Trying at times desperately to fit in only to not fit in at all. Drinking seemed to kill the time. At least numb the pain. Drugs were never around back then. You either knew where you were going and with whom or you weren’t going anywhere. How could you find anybody once they left the house. Nobody had cell phones. Pagers were only common amongst drug dealers it seems. Growing up in the 90’s was definitely different. I wouldn’t say harder. Maybe simpler. It was hard though unless you got the address of where your high school friends were off to the best you could hope was catching them at their parents during the holidays.
Even in college there’s this whole span of time when the people I enjoyed those 4 years with are just vanished into thin air it seems. Almost like that time never happened. Maybe because once again for the last two years of college I was shacked up with another guy. We did date for 4 years but it should have ended way sooner. Maybe that is why it became so hard to find myself attached to anybody after that. I was 25 years old and barely had any social skills. I can not even explain to you how awkward I was. When you define who you are by the men you date you find yourself pretty much empty and incomplete. Come to think of it. It was probably the severing of all ties from all men in my life. Looking to define myself in a way that didn’t equate to the opposite sex I found myself on the cusp of really beginning to set myself free. Living and laughing vicariously it was during this time though that I did come out of my shell. To some degree or another.
You never fully give up on the desire to have somebody anybody look at you with that look in their eyes. That look that tells you that you made it somehow. Like the opinion of somebody else should hold more weight than the one that you held of yourself. I spent a lot of time thinking I was in control by behaving completely out of it. To think that I went from being a Business Student to a Banker to living the hospitality dream I started living my life like I was on some episode of the Jersey Shore minus all the Guidos and Guidettes. Serving was fun. Must have been the reason why I kept it up for so long. You got to meet almost everybody in the city at some time or another. Those that you didn’t meet you would find yourself in the company of. Serving in the Lower Mainland though (Surrey to be exact) you found yourself serving those that require complete privacy (and secrecy) if you know what I mean. This was years before the Surrey 6 even happened so the streets were different then. It’s crazy to think how much things changed in just a matter of years. Life went from being crazy and carefree to just crazy.
Sooner or later though it does become enough. The rate race you have been chasing has now been long caught. Those that you once knew are just these shells of creatures of a fast life lived way to soon. It was fun right? Maybe at times. And most of us did manage to get out of it and manage to make it onto our own version of the top. But there are those that have now become a bittersweet memory. A memory that is rapidly fading away. To think that the World now is so much faster than what I could ever remember growing up in. Information moves quicker than the actual event. Like if you were watching a road camera you can see the accident before it even happens. There is no fun in living anymore. Just this terrible rat race where we are bound to a cage. Barely enough stimulation to keep us going. Just the long dull hum of what is to become next. On one hand we are far too sensitive when it comes to dealing with old facts. But new events as they unfold however well we will spend the rest of our lives trying to cover ourselves up.
We have determined the value of a person not on their character but by their looks, their dress, what areas they live in, what cars they drive. We have done everything in our power to suppress 90% of the Earth inhabitants in order to appease or our self gratifying needs. I mean looking at me one would assume that because I am overweight I must be unhealthy. Because of the pregnancy though I have to take my blood pressure EVERYDAY. Yes I may hold onto some extra pounds but that is because I am busy trying to build and work on my character. I am beyond trying to entice another being into engaging in sexual relations. My desire no longer of that of a physical nature but one of a soulful encounter. I will travel to the ends of the Earth looking for the one that lights my soul. For me it is the sanctity of releasing myself to the Universe in the hopes that maybe that day will one day be true. I used to be so consumed that that day may never transpire. The greatest love I have ever known is in the eyes of my son when he smiles up at me. The smile he gives me when I enter the room. If I never know the intimate love of a man again it was enough to be able to experience what being a mom was like. It was only in this form that I was granted a chance to blossom. I hope I forever stay in bloom.