An the brink of total annihilation my thoughts drift to you. Not because I want them to but because my heart always searches for you. The little piece of you in me doesn’t feel complete. I knew the last time we really talked on the phone was truly the last. Not the times that you remember. The one that I will never forget. You see, Dad, you were always my first true love. You were always very much a part of me as I always hoped I you. Every stop I took I tried to take in the right direction. All I ever wanted was for you to love me in the way that I loved you. I can’t help but think of you often although I tell my ego to stop. You gave me life. You held my hand and comforted me as I grew from a wee girl to a young lady. Except in your eyes, Dad, did you always see me as a lady. Or was I always this grotesque adolescent girl who deserved the fate thrust upon her. You don’t have to say those words because I already know. To look into my son’s eyes and see him look at me I can’t help but wonder. Will there be a time in his life when his heart is so full of hate for me that he will want to forget that I am alive. All I wanted was for you to be happy. All I wanted was to love you forever, unconditionally until I took my last breath. But now two decades of lost time have been stolen from us as I have to learn to live the rest of my life without you.
Now as the World is overcome with madness as we all scramble to adjust to our new normal all my thoughts rush right back to you. Although I knew deep down that our days were numbered I hold on to the last of them like they were yesterday. Do you remember when you had that beard? If you only knew then how popular they would turn out to be. You always wore that green shirt and jeans. A symbol how hard you worked to provide for us all those years. Every time a hear a chain saw or a lawn mower I reminded of you. I think just to have one more morning with you I would eat that bacon sandwich although I have forsaken meat. Tell me how to let go of the greatest love of my life in order for me to heal. He is right there 6 hours away. Some days I swear we are breathing the same air. As my tears fall and my son hugs me I can’t remember the last time I felt my Dad.
I realize now where I get my temper from and probably the little bit of an attitude. We grew up on a small farm with our family on either side. The greatest memories I have growing up are there. With him. He would take us camping, to the lake and was even known to flag down passing by logging trucks. He worked for the Ministry of Forestry his whole life. Life with my Dad was amazing. But now I am more than confused. My love for my dad apparently runs one way. Mine was unconditional and his was taken away. In my head I can’t wrap my head around what a child can do to warrant something like that. Thinking back yes I was a hellion on two legs. I got involved with the wrong crowds. Did the wrong things. Even said Words I wish I could take back. But those were hormones, Dad. I never truly meant all those things. I was going through so much growing up. Things that I daughter should never have to tell their Dad. It wasn’t you that should have protected me. I should have protected myself. But whether or not good or bad things happened in those days that was my journey, that was my storey to live. Without everything that has happened to me I wouldn’t be who I am today.
Now as I sit here trying to forgive myself for where we are now I remind myself. I remind myself that no matter who tries to get in the way they will never destroy my love for you. That in the grander scheme of things when you take your last breath and I mine I hope we find our way back together. Even though I will never again see you in this life I hope I see you in the next. That if I had only know that this dance we danced together was going to be our last I definitely would have appreciated the feel. I would have held you in my arms like I was never going to let go. I would have asked the band to play slowly and on repeat just to be held in your arms one last time. I have the feeling that a mother’s love and daughter’s love is one and the same. You see at time’s I feel your mom course through me and those are the times I long for you the most. No matter how you feel about me or us we will always be connected. I am a part of you just as you are a part of me. To ignore me is to ignore who you are, were and was. It is hard to live this broken in a World so torn. I do it though for my son and those that will come after me. It is not that I want to but because I have no choice.
There wasn’t much décor on the walls of my parents room but what I do remember was this quote, “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours; if they don’t, they never were.” Like a glimpse into my future guiding me through I have to have faith in knowing that the love I have for my Dad is true. That no matter what happens in this life I will find him in the next. That no matter what evil is at work keeping him away. That we will always find our way back to each other some day. It’s just the daughter’s way.