They say when you awake in the middle of the night and can’t fall back to sleep that it is because you are inhabiting somebody else’s dreams. I have had that illusion before where although awake you feel out of your body almost in a trance like dream state. You feel your presence come in and out of consciousness as you feel the aura of the other swirl around you. My state of mind has always fluttered in and out of total awareness to wannabe dreamer to believing in my own happily ever after. Part of my existence has always been something bigger than myself. I have always known that my piece in it all has always been fairly small. To most non existent but to some I am all they have ever known. Like me they too is somebody I already recognize if only in this dream like state.
I toyed with the idea that maybe my earlier impurities may have eliminated any such bond I wold have in the future. Words like, “Who could ever love somebody like me,” rang in my ears.” These words were those last spoken in my Grandfather’s free mind. Till the day his brain failed and his Alzheimer’s took deep roots. I was often haunted by those words trying to figure out why he would say that. He was somebody I loved deeply, unconditionally. Now as he was clouding over into some other existence I had to find a way to somehow be at peace.
The road to self discovery is in no way easy. This I know. If it was so easy for us we would all be on the same path laughing and loving in our own unique way. That just wouldn’t be a good outcome. For any of us. For we all need to find our own way in this life. A way that will make our soul rest at peace. The desensitized way that we are living is coming to a halt. Now in our own company can we stand to be in our own presence. When I started this journey for you years ago it was not so much as a foreshadowing I saw coming. It was because after all that was thrown at me I still rose to the challenge each and everyday. Yes I am concerned about this pandemic. If you think that I am not then you don’t know my heart or my compassion. Statistically speaking though I know the opiate epidemic took more lives in one night. Then there has ever been people dying of the flu. Every where around us there are signs that the rich get richer. For what? For Who? Themselves. These people that have valued their lives ahead of all of ours will have to get their own. They have to. The whole World works on balance. Magnets. Pulls. There is an opposite for everything. Even an asexual worm has a north and south pole.
So now as I sit here in the wee hours of the morning with the Earth more silent then it has been in almost 200 years a calmness washes over me. My mind is busy replaying and rehearing the ghosts of my past. Words of advice and things to look out for. How would my destiny manifest and of you believe in all that anyways. We have some control until we find ourselves completely out of control. Why are some sick and why do some suffer? How is any of that fair? It doesn’t make sense. I scroll looking through the pictures that time has decided to take from me. Those people still full of life who are now gripped with fear. Standing on death door waiting. Listening. Hoping that maybe what is about to take them to the other side will take pity on them. At first as their ego grips onto reality they hold onto anything in the past to keep them here to what they know. But as the calm, serenity envelopes them they are finally at peace to let go. Our definition of peace and happiness is what has rotted our minds. We see all these materialistic things and people and will fight tooth and nail not to let go. The freedom is in the free fall. The beauty is in the catch. If it is not you who is at the bottom waiting to catch you will find your arms in a stranger. Yet at closer glance not so strange after all.
I gave everything I am up long ago. In the absence of true love all I wanted to do was love. My son became my own life purpose. The piece of me untouched, untainted from the rest of the World. If I could teach him that piece of me that was selfless and humble and had compassion for his fellow man then maybe he could grow up with that same fire to save the World. My life had a meaning now that was so much more than myself. It came about molding and shaping this beautiful creature that was very much a piece of me as I him. Staring at that angelic lil cherub as he snored every so sweetly I knew the Universe had gotten everything right. Through the fire I have found myself here. Happy, healthy, surrounded by so much life. The threat of being housebound only seemed to add to my cocoon of worship and knowledge. Yes I understand we are in a true crisis but isn’t the true crisis the disconnect we have for ourselves?
So although selfish in my own discovery of self and thirst to understand those who came before me I find a calmness. Every so often when I crawl deep inside and give myself up once again. I make an effort to subconsciously be conscious when I give myself up as a gift. To honour the energy and the vibrations that swirl around us I find mind coming in behind the white noise. For there deep in the distance is finally the white light I have always been searching. The gift from the heavens that was spoken of long ago. You see not all is meant to be revealed as we desire it to be. What is right in front of us is the illusion to prepare us for the next leg. If all was revealed to us from the very beginning we wouldn’t appreciate what we have now and may fail to recognize what is coming next. For if all that is left after all the noise comes silent is the piece of me that fits in with the piece of you well then. My life has been a complete success. The journey isn’t where you are right now. It is who you become in the aftermath. The complete circle of one being. One existence. For that in itself is an unpenetrated force.