Finding My Way Home

I have spent so much time trying to understand my own morality. It is all consuming when you start obsessing with the meaning and life and the possibility of straying off course. With so much going on in the World around us it is almost impossible to have faith that everything is unfolding the way it was mean to. We want to try and understand our life purpose but it is a momentous task that our conscious brain can’t fathom. If we were to even have a glimmer of what is in store for us after none of us would want to stay here on course because the pain of being human far exceeds any pain that would ever be bestowed upon us. There has to be something after. There can not be great evil without even greater reward. There has to be something for those that had the opportunity of life ripped away from them.  Everybody’s life has a purpose even those that may have only had the chance to take one breath.

Yes life has never been fair. But how can it be that so many have perished before even knowing adult hood. Why show life to beings if all that was in store for them was great evil. Through know fault of their own their life here on Earth has been welcomed with horrific pain and torture. Who decided who is born into wealth and power and whose destiny is to walk in filth and squalor. Both doing nothing to warrant their lives. Just taking the opportunity to appreciate life for what has been given. It would be hard for the one living in poverty to believe that their life has a purpose and that one day a reward will be in store. That would have to been that what both are able to get from their lives would have to be equally obtainable. That what we all should desire is within our grasp. If only we could slow our own thinking to see and feel life’s greatest gift. The beat that comes from within us. Begging us to give it one more go. One more breath. Try and reach those that have lost their way. Have faith in the journey and not so much in the process. Learn from the mistakes of others and from yourself. Their is no fault in error just in the repeated attempts where success was never in the cards.

Nobody deserves to be born into a life filled with negativity and abuse but it happens in all corners of the World. Why is it that some are so determined to try and contort the thoughts and free will of others. My son who I can fully admit I love more than myself I couldn’t imagine trying to change who he was, is or is going to be. He is perfect in the image that he was born with. My only role as his guardian is to help realize his own potential. With little or no judgement from me just guidance. How is it though that some innocent little beings that are just learning to adjust into their own life are tormented by their own guardians. The ones that were deemed worthy enough to bring into this World a life. Some parents will struggle and others will be rewarded with this great gift. Why is it that some who would move heaven on Earth to love a little being will  be met with heartbreak? Then on the other side you will have the adults depriving their young of all basic necessities only to shed tears when all form of human life escape the tiny lil being. Usually it is one little child in a huge family that is neglected. They will watch their siblings thrive as they barely grow inside the tiny little bodies that become their own personal hell. Their tiny lil lives over before they even had a chance to live. Life is not fair. That is incredibly obvious. In a sea where the tide never seems to be in our favour how can we even try to life our best lives and make it count?

Yes there are always those stories of a life lost far too soon. When we lose our youth there is a deafening sadness that follows. Our hopes and dreams for their future crumble in a million stones around us. All possible outcomes are now lost. For some their ending will also mold into our own. It is impossible to imagine an existence without them present. We begin to imagine that maybe their is something after life. It is the only reason why we are able to get out of bed some days. If that thought is to be true and we believe our loved ones are somewhere out there looking down at us and guiding us does that mean they just lovingly turn a blind eye when you start being an ass. Think about that. If your loved one is still “here” with us on Earth and has the ability to see all that we do would they be smiling or horrified watching the storey of your life unfold. Are you living up to the pedestal that they put you on? Are you ashamed of your actions and who you portray yourself to be in the safety of the shadows. If you believe that your loved ones are still with us then you have to believe that they in turn can still see exactly what you are doing.

Maybe that is why I have a hard time doing anything that casts me in a poor light. Where before I could easily tell a lil fib here or there or maybe even fudge a lil bit on my taxes (k I have never done that but you have to see the point here). In the absence of those that I have loved greatly in my life I use that loss as a beacon guiding me to where I need to be. There is no sense lying to myself or to them trying to pretend to be somebody that I am not. The best that I can be and hope for is true to that lil girl that has being lying in wait deep inside me. She has been beside me this whole time. Laying quiet when I wasn’t going to listening. Giving me warnings when things weren’t just right. We spend so much time pretending to be something we aren’t for people who truly don’t matter that it makes sense to try and forgive and let go. My journey, my storey is something that intrigues me. It allows me to embrace all the things that allow me to sing in order to be the best version of me for my family. yes nobody and nothing is perfect. Life was never designed to be as such. What matters is the afterglow and the strength of the beacon that guides you home. My reflection on the shores doesn’t need to last me a lifetime. Just enough to know that I was here at one time trying the best that I  could to find my way back home.

 

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