The Uncertain Lust of an Untamed Heart

I wonder why it always seems to be that we lust after what we don’t have. We can have the newest handbag but a new hue hits the stores or a sling back has now bee made into a closed toe and you have to have one in every colour. Friends and boyfriends are the same. When disagreements arise you automatically assume that all grass is greener on the other side. Take my life for example. My life is full with so much love from all the lives we bring into our house. You feel the adoration from all of our fur babies. I know not everybody feels the way that we do about rescuing and saving animals. That is what it has always been about for us. That is where me and my husband agree most on. We would give our lives for our family. My husband has financial broke us trying to save one of our animals. Just as in the people that enter our home we treat every living being the same. Except for maybe my plants but I always talk to them at least once a day and play my violin for them to hear (or is it feel).

For as long as I can remember I gravitated towards those that just treated me terribly.  I would spend many nights crying over boys or friends that would never ever feel the same way about me. Maybe it was the way I just laid down my walls at the first possibility of being loved. That is always what I wanted. A place to feel safe and accepted for everything that I am. We always say that we would do anything to just have somebody to share life with but when given that chance we self consciously drive them away. No life, no person ever wants to feel like they are disposable. We can see it in the eyes of those animals surrendered into cages the look of utter rejection. To not have anybody understand or care to understand what may have gotten them to that place. We have this glorious chance to share this Earth with all the inhabitants of the Earth yet we try to destroy those we don’t understand. Every single one of us isn’t free from rejection. Usually it happens more than when our lives have served out their purpose. How can a life that is still existing be cast away like nothing more than garbage?

I am deathly afraid of heartbreak. I know there will come a time when every single one of my animals will go before me. In the off chance that I do perish before I fear for their lives. What me and my husband have done is giving these animals a chance to have a life where there was a definite uncertainty of what was to come next. One only has to stare into the eyes of an abandoned loved pet to understand that heart wrenching pull. Where animals appear to be slightly more intelligent is their ability to move on with their past and try to live for better days. Just like in humans though not all animals can do this. Some times the damage is too deep that they can no longer live with their emotional scars. Years spent trying to survive rotted their soul.

We are all guilty of taking for granted the lives that are laid out in front of us. In this time of uncertainty I have been trying to focus on what I know for sure. Every time I have a faltering moment I am reminded with the big lug of a head that is my dog on my lap. He looks up at me with those eyes that tells me that we can do this. His presence in my life has made all the difference. Although I am far from perfect he reminds me the importance of having faith. He was once surrendered deemed a vicious dog. Too old to draw in any attention from families it seemed like the ink was about to dry on his death sentence. This big loveable softie just wanted a place to rest his old bones while he enjoyed the rest of his life. There is no telling the horrors that he was subjected to that led him to where he was now. His ears where ragged. He had a scar running from his nose to half way through is jawline. He had porcupine quills that were still migrating to the surface. This poor old soul seemed to be nothing more than a coward not wanting to care for their animal anymore. His sad dejected face would have broke your heart. Well at least it did my husband. To watch this senior give nothing more than unconditional love is the biggest joy one can ever imagine. He is always the first to try and make you smile. You can tell he is tired but you can also see that he has known love for the first time. Sometimes that is all one needs. Is a place to feel like you belong a place to call home.

It is so easy to fall into self destructive mode when things appear to be going on course. For myself I always re digest moments in my past to make them seem more favourable. I replay ex’s as being gentlemen and foes as being friends. We always love to see the World through rose coloured glasses. Some of us will sacrifice what we know is safe for what is uncertain. We love the thrill of doing what is unexpected versus merrily strolling down the path to happily ever after. Nobody can ever be perfect. It is impossible. With the freedom of choice comes the freedom to fail. We can’t force those to love us even though we wish we would. We will say anything and everything to try and get our way. If we are so “lucky” to obtain what we desire it will only end up in ruins. To sacrifice what we already know to be true for what we have experienced to be false is a road so many of us try to go down. In the spirit of nobody or nothing being perfect it is best to remain still and absorb your surroundings. Only you know the melody that opens up your heart. At times we believe that somebody else is capable of making us happy. In fact it has always been us all along. If we can reach the happiness that resides within the maybe the rest will all make sense. To forgive all the madness in order to truly be set free. What else do I have to lose but everything else to gain.


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