Imagine your whole life’s purpose boiled down to some heartless facts about your over anxious desire to ensure that you ended up better then your neighbours. You skimped and saved and threw money away for that two seconds of fame that come when showing the World you possess something new. Within a day the excitement wears off and you are off poisoning the rest of your existence with your own wayward ways. With no intent or purpose but a hellfire way of damaging all those that come within your depths.
My trouble with the self isolating isn’t so much in the practice but in the whining that comes along with it. We lived in a time where there were no borders. No consequences for our actions. We carried on with our days with reckless entitlement that only served the purpose of benefiting those in our immediate vicinity. Unless of course those in our vicinity didn’t directly benefit us then they were left even more damaged then we were. I watch all over the World people cry that they miss their loved ones. They forget that there have been those crying for those we have lost over the years since the day we took our first breath.
For whatever the reasons we weren’t given the luxury of having somebody walk with us through life. We get these moments where we get to glimpse in what it would feel like. Those little moments although bring us great joy suffocate us with the weight of their pain. My salvation lays in the eyes of a senior dog that loves me unconditionally. He is my rock. My saviour. Sent to me to remind me that during the toughest times we can still find strength. That no words need to be spoken when it comes to love. You see I already knew what it felt like to live alone amongst many. My days are spent in an incoherent silence that only those that have lived it understand. I no longer talk in words cuz none are really needed. I write out of fear that I forget how to communicate with a World vastly losing it’s former glory out of taking everything in our vicinity for granted.
The hardest thing of this existence is playing the game by the rules only to find out that the rules we were playing by belonged to another game that we weren’t allowed to play. I always wanted to play. My nights were filled with so many tears trying to wash it all a way. I used to tell myself if only I was prettier or skinnier or popular maybe then my life would change. Chasing happiness until my legs gave up from underneath I had nowhere else to go. Nights were already spent in my own isolation to scared to allow anybody to see the real me. We lived in a World where it wasn’t that cool to be close to your family. My ancestors were farmers and growing up that meant that they didn’t have much. We had each other though so that should have been enough to feed my soul. I moved away as soon as I could to get away from everything. I didn’t have the strength to run so the next best thing was to hide.
As a young girl I saw the horrors that came with life. I remember my dad calling my neighbours to take my puppy out into the woods to shoot him. He was sick and dying from parvo. I remember the shots ringing into the night air as the tears streamed down my face. I still remember his black lil nose and his oh so sweet white lil face. To understand then that that would just be the start of the carnage that was to be the World maybe I would have altered my course. But to what? To Where. I remember thinking out loud that I wanted to be a vet to save them all. My dad holding my hand told me that it was impossible. That sometimes the best you could hope for was to end their suffering. As my Dad as my idol I didn’t want to believe what he was saying was true. But over the years I witnessed our cats laying dead at the side of the road, our beloved Daisy with her insides lying at her feet and a multitude of other wildlife dead on the road. Life it seemed had absolutely no purpose. We had cows in our fields that would be whittled away down to half as they hung up in a meat locker to feed our families over the winter.
Death comes for all. We can’t escape it. You would hope that in knowing this one simple fact it would lead us down a different path. A path where it is lit up with kindness. That not one man is better than the next. Yes some may be born into what is deemed to be a higher quality of a life but that all depends on who you ask. You can be poor and surrounded by so much love and respect that it is all that you ever need. Or you can be sitting alone on your thrown with not even your grandkids coming to visit. Now I wonder how well did you love or how kind were you actually. If when you take your last breath you are alone at your bedside with only your fleeing memories to help guide you to the other side do you think you lived your life better? Is there even an equation that will tally it all up. Does it even matter in the end all those that you hurt to get to where you are now? I am telling you as somebody who sits here alone with only my son and my animals to help guide me to sanity that you can find peace amongst your own company. That there is value in the silence of communicating with no words. That anybody can feel your true intentions with not even words being exchanged. I spent a lot of years in silence hoping that in time I would find my way. Persistence is key to any awakening. Combined with kindness and love and life will seem to have a new purpose. Have patience in yourself and your abilities to make your own heart content. We can find strength in those amongst us but only we can truly forgive ourselves for all that we have become. This journey is very forgiving until all of a sudden it stops. Try to find the simplicity in all the madness before you are driven entirely insane.