I wonder what makes somebody feel more entitled to there life then another. Just this morning I got yelled at by my neighbour for my dog barking. Threatening me with violence and of course the cherished call to bylaw I am once again reduced to nothing. I try so hard to balance all that life has thrown at me. Most of the time I am here alone crying in the dark. Trying to find my way and purpose as this walk alone gets very hard at times. Nobody listens to my heart breaking or even cares that it has happened. I scream but nothing comes out. Staring up at my neighbour yelling at me telling me to keep my dogs quiet or else I couldn’t help but feel suffocated. It is not like I meant to wake up or be the most hated member of my neighbourhood (that is according to him). I already spent every day hoping somebody will notice me and it breaks my heart that the only reason why somebody does is to let me know how I am failing as a human.
I couldn’t help but defend me and my family as he lashed out at me. Calling me a rat and countless other names as I look up at him crying in my pajamas. My son getting up throughout the night has left me tired and dizzy. I can barely see straight now here I am alone, defending my pets, defending my home. It is like he watched for my husband to get to work. Waited to lash out on the female struggling to keep her head above water as everybody else in the World forgets about her. I try to find a purpose in each and every day but it is getting so hard. I only have to think of me son to know this. He is only 2.5 years old but he is the only one that is fighting for his mom’s sanity.
My husband loves to sit in the garage and have cigarettes. Only recently I walked in on him watching “videos of these girls I have never seen. They aren’t nude. It is just them talking about life etc but I do all those things too. I have basically given him a handbook on how it is I tick but he couldn’t be bothered to get to know me. I have to write it is the only way for me to feel like somebody is listening. My son doesn’t need o feel the pain that lives in my heart everyday. Even now I shake thinking that my only interaction with the outside World is to shut my dogs up or else.
I am losing myself so fast in these walls. If he only knew how much I hated it here maybe he would realize how hollow his words truly are. So just as in the words he spewed I find myself making a report against my neighbour. Only because what man waits to threaten a woman at home with their child instead of talking to their husband like a man. I have to protect myself as my son’s mom. Now when the whole World is spinning out of control I am forced inside an even deeper prison where I am scared of who I am to become. I think of the World and what it used to be mean to me but now it is hard to focus on anything else. The betrayal that all of us have been engaging in over the years. The fortitude of falseness we used to erect our fortresses. It was never about truth but about power. Staring up at the man leering at me out his window I can’t help but feel disgusted with who we all have become.
In a World where our existence is put higher than anybody else’s I wonder how it is that people like me even exist. When forced with confrontation the only thing I can think about is disappearing. I hate anger. I hate rage. I hate when people force me to be something I am not out of fear. Fear of retribution. Fear of pain. Fear of never having the opportunity to take another breath or feel what it feels like to be loved entirely. Completely for who you are. Before the World tarnished your soul and turned it back. Why are we so fixated and dictated by hate. I have to run towards those who may or may not help, If I don’t listen to the words of others then what. I am left beaten and abused. Discarded as trash as I am made to believe over and over again I am worthless. Why are we not able to engage in just a simple conversation? Is there no possibility in manners when the World has become so impersonal and dark. Listening to my neighbour engage in this way I am so ashamed. Ashamed that he feels that this is the best way to get his point across. That this is the only way.
I can’t help but feel threatened till he waited until my husband was gone to say anything. Just yesterday he looked over the fence at me and smiled now…Keep your dogs quiet or else. With a shaky I told him to write his complaint down and stick it in the box. What else can I say. With my 2 year old son asleep upstairs after being woken every hour on the hour all I can think of his him. What a World we live in where everybody has an overinflated sense of entitlement. My husband is now at home from work in order to ensure that nothing goes further. The man in the window was in the same clothes that he was in all week, unshaven, crazed eyes. In today’s maddening World I would rather be overly cautious then not cautious enough. So these are my thoughts about a World going mad. So for now I will try and make a better day without interrupting my neighbour. I understand now his space and time is more valuable than mine.