Our own disillusioned self righteous entitlement have always been our own demise. Although in one sense it is great to hold yourself in high regard it is all together a hindrance when you are unable to show compassion for your fellow being. At one time I wanted the whole World to recognize. I thought the life that I had lived should hold meaning to somebody other than me. That maybe all my pain and suffering was for a reason. Something more than just me being used as a tool for growth. Nothing makes sense then there is a moment of clarity where it does. The only thing that I know for sure is that life is so confusing. It truly doesn’t matter who you are at all. We can lose everything in a single breath. Our freedom. Our feelings of acceptance and fitting in all gets taken away. I already knew that I was outside of all these groups. Somewhere inside me I am still scared. Scared that if people knew the truth that I wouldn’t be accepted. I barely accept myself most days. The only thing I know for sure is my life feels more complete than ever as this whole in my heart grows. It is a surreal experience. In some ways my heart feels like it is going to burst it is so full only to be shattered into pieces by one.
In one sense I feel like I am surrounded by so much love. I have all my furbabies and pets that I care for. In times of happiness they feel like all I need. I know there will be a time though when it boils just down to me. Well it should anyways. Even in the eyes of my son I am only “useful” until he is able to venture out into the World and step into his own. I can’t hold him back forever. And I am not. The only thing missing is social interaction but nobody has that these days. There is no denying the way he feels about his Dad. I know our son loves us both so why uset a dynamic that seems to not be working for just me. It isn’t always just this feeling of crazy isolation. Sometimes I do feel complete when everybody is under one roof. I can’t deny though I do catch myself thinking. Thinking about what it would be like to be swept away with somebody’s love instead of continuous displeasure.
I know what you are thinking. If I am this unhappy do something. Change your reality. Change my reality to what? There is no place safe for us to go to ride out this storm. The only source of sever depression that over takes me is when I spend much time consumed on my husband’s thoughts of me. I always had a feeling when somebody wasn’t that into you. I always wished I would find somebody who would be. I guess that is what I hold out for. The idea that maybe instead of laughing at my attempts there is still an award to be found. There are so many who are content with their own madness and for me I n the most part I am. I just wondering if it is possibility to be with somebody who stimulates your soul while being stuck in the humdrum of a relationship. I loveless one at that.
Maybe the hopeless romantic in me believes in random kisses and stolen moments throughout your day of affection. I never imagined my life would be devoid of so much passion or how it would feel to be stuck in something like this. I say stuck because I don’t know how to feel. My husband always says we are like best friends. I guess but more like estranged brother and sisters. We know that we are a family but that is where everything else stops. All the answers I have been looking for don’t lead to here. The things people do for passion have ruined kingdoms, families and lives. But in my reality we have come to terms without any. Lust, greed, envy are all sins. And like a cyclone in my heart these ideas of wanting something more spin out of control. I feel lost not knowing what passion feels like but I also feel scared that the person I have found in the calm will disappear if wanton thoughts are allowed to wander freely through my mind.
I remember hearing maybe even reading that the path to self discovery is a lonely one. It makes sense that you would have to journey alone on this path. Too much distraction will lead you down somebody else’s storey line and then you start living your life for them instead of yourself. Sometimes I feel like I am doing that now. I know that the fleeing moments of my son’s youth are important. I can’t help but get whisked away into the magical moments of his childhood. His sweet lil laugh or his dimples when he smiles. I love the way he loves me in his ways that are still growing. I want him to see a strong healthy woman stand before him. One that isn’t easily angered by her husband’s rejection. One that knows that the love they share between mother and son will never be broken. At times I catch myself holding my breath as I imagine who will be left living without the other. I think of the pain of my friend’s who lost their sons and I just love them so much more for what they have had to endure. The strength they have shown in their lives to try and live one more day. I guess that is what makes it easier to embrace the chances that I have been given. I can wake every morning with a roof over my head with my son in my arms. That in itself is the gift. Anything that I can desire above that is extra. Why look for something to fill my heart when it is right in front of me already. men, women, friends, life come and go. The bond we have with our children never wanes. Not even the moments of partial separation until we get to be reunited once again ever dulls that love. The greatest gift came to me that morning when my son was born and everything else in these moments pale in comparison. Of course I could always want more but I am content with what I have now. Until the moment comes when I have to feel any different I will be content in just being. The Universe doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle. This has been show true time and time again. To be accepting of the gift of every moment is a selfless quality to possess. One I plan on perfecting throughout the course of a time for as long as I can. Life in itself is the blessing. Anything and everything over and above that is the gift.