Alone in my melancholy I always felt like I never belonged. Not for trying on my part but my anxiety always had a hold on me. Even now my breath catches in my chest and makes it slightly heart to focus. In a way though I enjoy the reminder. The reminder to stop and try to take as much air in as you can. Life truly doesn’t make sense. As soon as it begins to have any semblance to a reality we can not lose sleep over something else comes right behind it to overturn the progress. What is progress in life? We all work so hard and get so far away from where we all started that of course what choice do we have to be wander the Earth lost looking for answers. We have no idea who we were destined to bee as we move away from our cores. In times of crisis when we turn to family do you have a family to turn to? Or did you spend your whole life trying to put miles and maybe an ocean to further segregate the two.
The concept of life is crazy. Our beginnings by chance but not really by chance at all. There is a reason that in history that sex was bound to those who were married. It wasn’t about the suppression of pleasure. It was about he sanctity of family. The upbringing of children together. The World becomes a whole lot scarier and isolating when you are a single parent trying to make ends meet. And what about the parents who you use their offspring as nothing more than a paycheque, revenge or worse yet to try and get somebody to stay with them. What about to value of our children? What about those lil minds, with their 10 lil fingers and toes eager to learn. Like lil sponges they become who we are so why do we want to ruin their chances at success. If the life they life resembles the life they are living would that make you proud?
My son gave me more answers in life that I could ever hope for. Where once I was unsure of the direction I am now more certain where I need to go. Of course I am not sure how to get there but I know that I am far closer to the answers I am looking for than ever and with that comes such great inner peace. I love my family. There is no measure to explain the pull I have always felt towards them. My Grandparents were two of the greatest people I have ever had the pleasure to know. Life is different now. People are different now. They lived their lives till death do us a part. They aren’t resting side by side because that is not how it works in our cemetery back home. You get next open plot. My heart longs for the life that I had known when they were alive. When are family was indestructible. I miss those days being able to stop by their house and sit with Grandma and listen to her curse Pete from the next room. Imagine being with somebody your whole life. The memories the dreams. All the things that became possible because you worked together in a union instead of expecting things to be different, doing none of the work and leaving with the next swiped right that you come across.
There are a ton of things my husband does that drives me crazy. We do fight but not the crazy fights you see where people are yelling and screaming and calling names. We rarely use names. We usually just walk away. What I am beginning to realize though is maybe as a romantic couple we don’t work. But in a family dynamic we manage. I love my role in the house and being a 24/7 mom to my son. I am so thankful for the opportunity. My husband works hard to provide for all of us. I do to for that matter. Remember how we were always told to do what makes you happy and you will never have to work a day in your life. Some may argue that what I do on a day to day isn’t work but whether it is or isn’t I am incredibly fulfilled at the end of the day. Trying to keep this house clean and sanitized and all the occupants happy well you would think that I would have no trouble losing weight lol I do long for a daughter but not during this pandemic and not until I am back to a healthy weight so the clock is ticking….tick tock.
So why this pointless post you might ask. Well to me this post is of great importance. This marks the day (well yesterday afternoon) when I found out more about my origins. My roots. My heritage. Inside the pages of the past I have the opportunity to look into who my family was. I say opportunity because I need to go there. I need to walk the streets that my great grandmother strolled down. I need to breathe in the air that she did. I need to sit in silence and stare up at the stars and thank her for her life. You see what I know now is my Great Grandmother (Mary Moojelsky (sp)) lived in a beautiful city, Tbilisi, Georgia, USSR. So what that means for me is once where I thought my roots were Russian I learn that this is not the case at all. That my family were peaceful living amongst the Georgian Monks. That there were sacred bath houses and hills and ocean and even one of the churches had a blue roof that I was always drawn to. I always confused my passion for history, Greeks and Egyptians for my ancestral roots. Everything my soul craved was identified to me with the discovery of my origins. That I know the secret to my life and my existence comes to a beautiful city in Georgia, USSR. There is a calmness that comes with discovering your past. My purpose now has moved to a place of discovery. To discover my roots and unlock who I am for the whole World to see. I may have conformed to the westernized thinking but now I know why I feel so out of sorts. If I close my eyes I can smell the salty air as it bounces off my checks. The wind carrying me back to times long ago before all the madness set in. There is peace in knowing who you are. The pieces of you that nobody can every tarnish, damage or steal. Today will be a good day because I have peace in my heart and a goal in mind. I hope you all can discover some magic too.