To deprive yourself of passion is something I have become somewhat of an expert on. I never thought that I would have it in me to sit calmly and allow the tidal wave of nothingness consume me.  To believe the lies or prove them truths is something we all must decide. There are trade offs to everything in life. The question before you is what are you willing to give up to have. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe it is just me. From what I can see from the inside though it is nothing like what I thought but maybe it is everything that I had expected.

Looking back on my grandparents marriage there is no question there was love there but was there an underlying passion? Hard to say as I only knew them as my grandparents. The two worked hard to contribute to their household. Where one left off the other stepped in. Like a perfectly timed clock they were in sync with each other and there families. They need there was safety and love in their companionship and to me that is why they flourished. They celebrated over 50 years of marriage before cancer took my grandmother. It is incredible to think that the whole time we were concerned about him it was her that we should have had our eyes on. She was always the strong matriarch. Our true north. She kept us all together in fine working unit and her lose is still felt decades later.

I wish I could ask her about passion in a marriage because mine has absolutely none. We share the same bed but he sleeps with his back turned usually cuddling a cut. Most nights he sleeps in his street clothes. I m growing tired of  having the best day ever all to have it fall to pieces when he arrives home. To imagine our house and our situation is hard for anybody. Even myself I can’t comprehend it. I have tried to have patience and explain my feelings but talking to somebody who watches videos on facebook while stuffing his face full of sugar. Well my stomach turns just at the thought. The amount of cigarettes he smokes in the garage watching these women talk about their days while his son cries for him breaks my heart. He doesn’t watch the videos I post or even read my blogs. I think I have done a good job of pouring my raw honest emotions out into the World. If I don’t I think I would go insane.

I have long realized that nothing I could do, say or feel is going to change who he is. He is content ignoring us for whatever is happening on his phone. He is content only buying sugar foods for our pantry. Most of all he is content bringing home a puppy and doing none of the work. See when he is home everything is my fault. I can clean the whole day and have a perfectly content child but all it takes is the puppy barking and he comes down on me like an iron fist. It is not that he calls me names but his tone and words are what hurt me most. Everything I have done was to try and appease him. He didn’t like his t-shirts folded so I hung them in the closet. He fills the hamper with dirty clothes and I will have them washed the next day. Even having a warm meal cooked and ready for him to eat after work will sit in the fridge until I throw it out. My desire to not consume meat was met with displeasure. It wasn’t even the fact it was meat but more of what we do to the animals to get it.

Why would I stay? Why would anybody stay you might wonder. Well to me when I sit down and consider the options this is what makes the most sense. As long as I try my best to keep to myself and make my life better than in time I will have the life I always dreamed of. Right now though if I left I would have to work and put my son into daycare. I look at my husband as having a disgruntled employer. Chances are at work I would get treated the same. Why not be with my son full time instead. Most of the time my husband is asleep. So living alone in a 1 bedroom working 60 hours a week doesn’t make sense. And now as I am writing this I am curious if school is always going to remain virtual. If that is the case I may have to rethink this whole plan. But till now I am unloved with my husband and without. There would be no time for dating if I was a single mom living alone. Feels like passion is never meant to be in the cards for me. Look how well falling in love has fared for me in the past.

I don’t regret the birth of my son. Even though my husband told a lie in order for him to be conceived. My son is the greatest gift in the World and I am trying my best to provide a life for him that he would thrive in. Somehow a one bedroom apartment doesn’t seem like the best choice. Keeping my nose to the ground and preparing myself for a better tomorrow is all that I can do for now. I know what some of you are thinking that I am stringing my husband along. Well I am not. I have been very vocal to how I feel. Everything I do is to confirm that. It is out of a sense of pride and to ensure that the right habits are being formed in my son’s brain. The only thing I regret is that he is not growing up witnessing to parents in love. I have tried though. And I am slowly beginning to unravel. The more I try to live a happy life the more he tests my boundaries with his blatant attempts to crawl under my skin. What else can you call his actions of disregard to my feelings?