Guess some of you are thinking why the sudden change? Like many it came when my husband is sitting home for 10 days until he gets the all clear after showing signs of COVID. So like so many of us in confinement we are stuck at home with our spouses. I already knew that for most of us it was a tough time but until it happened to me I truly had no idea. I have became quite in tune with keeping to myself these days. Not sharing secrets, dreams and hopes for the future was already draining on one’s mental health. I got through the days loving my son and my animals and trying to be the best mom that I can be. Seems simple right? It was until all of a sudden he took a residency up my butt and I am now living my own hell.
What this experience though has taught me is that although this is my living hell it isn’t the same for others. There are some women who are trapped in a nightmare and have no hopes for air. I mean at least I am just getting ignored. Imagine being taunted and baited relentlessly in order to unleash their own unbridled rage. At least my abuse is some what emotional it takes it’s toll. But with enough emotional cleansing on my end I can forget for the most part his actions. Plus I have my dreams to carry me away. Well it’s not my dreams carrying me away it is my white knight on hopefully a miniature white pony. My scars can’t be seen on the outside. I think maybe that is what makes me think it isn’t that bad. There are those that are actually being used as human punching bags in another’s sick twisted games for control. Some are even losing their lives during this pandemic. So in one sense I am in my own purgatory. I have the time to find the way out where others are in a very time sensitive situation. The only reason why I am ok with staying is because there is no physical violence or the threat there of. Right now we are being stretched tight of all resources and I would rather those in immediate danger be safe and feel loved. There fear far outweighs mine. Mine isn’t a fear it is a disgust that erupts into this crazy irrational thinking when pushed just too far.
There is a lot surrounding my thinking of being ignored. I mean it is like literally talking to a wall. I think though the wall responds to me where my husband does not. The rules he likes to try to impose really don’t apply to him. Only to me. Take yesterday his first official day off. I usually wake up to one of the dogs needing to go out. That is fine with me. I like to start my day with both feet on the ground ready to roll. This morning though it was different. We woke up (ya notice the word we) to the puppy crawling on my son and waking him up. See the routine is take the dogs out, check on Schmoo, close the door to ensure they don’t jump on him, make coffee, blog and read. I promise you if the dog would have woken up my son when my husband was beside him all hell would have broken loose. Now my day was already starting on an upward battle at 7 in the morning. I know why cry over something so minor but if you know my son he is rockstar. Sleep evades him. When he is awake he is all about the go, go, go. Life is his for the taking and he is a sponge. In order to get anything done with my day I really have it run like a finely tuned car. Not today. Not at all. I was destined to be micromanaged from the word go and my sanity was going to pay the ultimate price.
My husband likes to do the bare minimum to get by. Nothing more nothing extra. The simple trying to have a conversation with him doesn’t exist. I can never tell if he is listening and when I ask him it takes three or four times to respond then he spits back out the words I had said in the first place. Maybe I am just to self centered to think that a phone should be put down when another person is present. Maybe I am old school in my thinking that a husband should kiss their wife when they leave for the day. Or maybe I am just incredibly high maintenance when he decided to go out for coffee because the pot I make in the morning isn’t good enough. That isn’t the high maintenance part. My son loves that my husband is at home. So of course he starts crying for his dad. He went to open the garage door and as I turned to run to get the door closed, for the cats you know, I slipped in a big pile of bubble soap. Falling to the ground I hit my whole left side of my body including my chin on the way down. I yelled for my son to close the door. It took all my strength to crawl to grab our phone to call him. Now is the time I should mention that my husband actually has two cell phones. His work and his personal. As my whole body is screaming in pain and my son is screaming because he is scared I frantically called my husband. I wanted him to know what happened in the off chance one of our cats got out. Well wouldn’t you know he doesn’t answer either. What is the point in having phones if you don’t use them. It took 45 minutes for him to even return my phone call to which he replies he was shopping.
Maybe my own disillusioned sense of entitlement believes that a husband should consider the feelings of his family over his own. Maybe that is my own crazy way of thinking. Perhaps that is just a mother’s way. I know my grandmother was like that. She was the type of woman who would serve everybody first, wait to see if anybody needed seconds then pick away as she cleaned up. Is it crazy for any of us to be loved with a whole heart. With so many stories of different types of abuse and horrors how can we even pretend to be a civilized culture. The only thing I know for sure is it does help to talk about it. If any of you feel alone and lost I want you to know that you have me that is willing to get lost right beside you. Life should feel good for the short time that we got to live it. Yes there will be sacrifices along the way and hopefully we will arrive better on the other side. We all need to remember hope. Hope can be our saviour as long as we have each other to accompany us along the way.