Have you already survived the most painful period of your life? Do you even have a clue on what could possibly bring you to your knees and keep you on the ground? Have you ever considered the little blip in your life is just that the tiniest bit of blip? There is no denying that I am going through something that is quite emotional. What I have come to realize though in my own heart and mind that what I am going through is nothing compared to what I see some women surviving on the day to day. For example both of my parents are alive and presumably well (hard to say as I have zero relationship with my Dad) and I just held my son in my arms until he fell asleep. As I watch him drift away into sleep though I can’t help but hold my breath. I know that there will be a time when we are forever separated. Be it from my departure or his. What I have come to understand is the loss that comes with losing your child and the strength I have witnessed come from some of the greatest women.
Trying to imagine what their pain would feel like brings me to instant tears. I curse the Universe for being so cruel. But then I understand that it isn’t the Universe that needs cursing. it is our understanding of why this all just happened. This is life. This is real pain. I can’t help but laugh at the sleepless nights I had when it came to an end of a relationship. Witnessing the heart wrench that comes and how long it lasts forever changed my life. It is hard to dwell on your own sorrow when your greatest joy is right there in front of you. Anything and everything that life throws at me is just one step closer to our inevitable journey. The bittersweet release of death is only bittersweet because we don’t know. I try to embrace the moments of sanity when they come. Life, my life, is far from perfect. But it is a million miles away from the pain that can and will be right here in front of me.
My heart would do anything to take the pain away from those that have lost a child. I wish we had more answers in just what it is right in front of us. I don’t want to live a life apart from my son. He drives everything I do. To search for happiness. To search for the compassion. To search for the hope that seems to be slipping through my fingertips. A few short years ago I had none of this. Just me and my two cats. Sitting at home alone. Wishing, praying, hoping for a life that would bring me content. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe my expectations are too low. Maybe the problem just is I need to keep searching for the answers within myself. I can see what my triggers are. I can communicate my triggers. If nothing is done on the other end is it my fault? Does there really need to be a finger pointing anywhere to blame when it really all doesn’t matter. We have been so determined to force the definition of happy life that we were moving to fast in the opposite direction.
I remember after the loss of my friend his mother said to me was her biggest fear was when the people stopped coming around. Nobody knows her pain as she does. We can all say we understand but until the exact same situation happens to us in the exact same way. Raising her son. Having him grow into her best friend. Those are all the dreams I have. My dream is my son will talk and look at me the way he did. I can only imagine what it could possibly feel like and that makes it so I can’t breathe. I can catch my breath though when I hear his laughter. To imagine never hearing him again. I don’t think I would ever want to breathe again. Every day she does though. She finds a reason to keep going on. When I think of her I think of an angel walking her amongst her. I want to tell her how much I love her and how much her presence in her life means to me. I fear if I did though she wouldn’t be able to hear it. Her grief makes it so.
Think of all the mothers, fathers, siblings who face losing somebody they love everyday. For those of us lucky enough to have a moment outside of our grief we owe it to those to try and help heal their hearts. It Is only a matter of time before the inevitable happens to us as well. We are all in and out of throes of grief in every given moment. The upswing of life is immediately followed with a down. The only way to get through to the other swell of emotion is to hold on to each other and find a way to enjoy the ride. But do it honestly. So many people only care to show their concern as a way to further themselves in this game. That’s the reality though it is a game. Your tortured words that you express to ruin somebody else only tarnishes your shine. The person that you think has no grounds will eventually find their way. What that means is that you are left standing there in your own shadows with only your own tears to wash your sorrows away. Without compassion for those around you where would we all be. In a World so volatile in the one we live in it would make the most sense for us all to get along. Regardless of where we came from we all end up in the same place. And in the end isn’t it the body of those that have passed on the ones that feed us into being who we are now? We are nothing without each other. Imagine just imagine being the only one left of your species with nothing. You are nothing. Your journey your path your worth is nothing without somebody else knowing that you existed. Why do you want a sub par idea of who you were once affect who you will be?