I stretch my hand as far as it can go into the cold dark hair. Stretching my finger tips I think I can feel something. Sadly though whatever it is in front of me it is not my destiny to walk by it’s side. Forever cast aside in the shadows of my melancholy I struggle to remember what it feels like to be alive. When I am fully present in the morning I feel like I conquer the World. But as fast as the feeling envelopes my shadows runs away to afraid to wait to see what comes next.
It is had to imagine one’s destiny running side by side with another. Our companions tend to change faster than the season. We have no one to share the highlights of four lives with because those that are now with us have only just joined us. Our shallow laughter can be heard from the hallways of time but unlike the path before this one needs to be walked alone. I keep trying. I keep reaching but the only sanity that comforts me is the one that is before. I have to be my own cheerleader and best friend. There is nobody else cheering me on from the side lines just me.
There is nothing wrong with the lack of total social stimulation. Chances are those in your company anyways one only along ill the next best thing. I hate the idea of “levelling up” or recycling our past. Everyone has a purpose. Even those on the lower rungs of the social ladder. I never wanted to be a part of it all anyways. It hurts to much when you are left out to pasture like your existence never mattered in the first place. All around me I have been presented with not being the next best thing. I am comfortable in the company of my animals then trying to a hold up a one sided conversation. Nobody is more passionate about your life than you. Well nobody should be that is.
I always remember my mom saying her greatest wish was for us to live a life better than hers. I understand that now. Sometimes we all can’t help but remember those fork in the World that led us to what we believe to be astray. We can’t help but think about those greener pastures and what would have been. That is what makes living in the moment so incredible important. Every decision that we have make throughout time we made it because it was the best choice for us then. Like the time I left my incredibly abusive situation for what I believed to be something better. At the time living in a party house where threesome’s ran rampant (almost side by side with the small children’s sleep schedule). When the children went out to sleep the adults came out to play. Imagine that feeling. I was alone, pregnant, confused and the only friends I had offered me up the smallest room (it was a closet to regroup and rethink). There was no thinking as I would lay in that room and cry listening to all the “festivities” taking place just outside the door. I was scared and more alone than I ever had. So many nights I would cry and wish for the life that I have now and now that I have this life I cry for that life? How I wish I had somebody other than this keyboard to share all my emotions with.
My outstretched hand still waits for somebody to take it. I know there are friends and those that would no problem love to listen and if warranted weigh in their two cents. My life is content in the sense that I am here with my family and for the most part we are all doing ok. I can’t help but long for that small piece of my heart that is missing somewhere. I can’t help but think that maybe it is somebody that has already past through my life. My biggest fear is I may have already met the greatest love of my life and I was so caught up in my own superficial bs that I didn’t notice. I hope I am still granted to be worthy enough to be blessed with a true friend that stimulates the heart. I am sick of those who say they will be there then somehow along the way they forget to show up. Aren’t you the one who set it all up in the first place? Am I the pawn in your game of change that you get to toy with?? I am that piece of the game that I took for granted so long ago. Did I cheat myself out of the chance of true happiness or am I cheating myself now?
When we get so caught up in the life we wish we had we forget to see the life that is right in front of us. We can micro manage those we understand or bully them to conform to our will. Maybe my race to complete the game led me to a place where I am not even participating anymore. Maybe I am just as guilty of waking every morning with a bee in my bonnet and a thorn in my side that I fail to see my life as anything less than the beautiful moment that it has been blessed with. even though holes in my marriage still have a chance to be hemmed if only I can just take a minute to stop. Thinking out loud maybe that is the problem. My own constant perfectionist ways may have imposed unrealistic expectations onto my family. I preach compassion but am I truly seeing it from all sides. There is always more to a storey than meets the eyes. When I tell my side it is just that my side. It is easy for you all to relate to me because it is my words that you are reading. I under though if knowing the side of the storey that hasn’t been told if it would open your eyes to the complete picture. I have dance with the idea of sharing more about my husband in order for you to understand where it is we all fit into the game. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to share more. So far all I have shared is the direct impact of how it is I feel. I have never thought to share what I believe to be his thoughts. who knows maybe tomorrow we will see a page based more on his side. I think it is mportant to see the whole picture. Don’t you?