Curiously enough I always had hoped that maybe my husband would read my words and try to see it from my point of view. I imagined the day and what it would feel like and if it would somehow magically bring us together. The idea though on his authenticity is questioned when he can only recite a few regurgitated words that obviously came from either a family member or even a friend. These words are my heart, my soul. My link to keep me sane. I have always maintained that this has been my side of how I feel and that there is obviously some misinterpretation when it comes to us coming together. My hope though is that he would recognize my pain. That he would see my swollen eyes and know that I had been crying in my sleep. There was no entry way into this soul binding connection. What came is what is to be expected when somebody has completely cut themselves off from you.
There is nothing I value more than what others see me as. I have always struggled with my own image. Trying to convince myself that I am fine the way that I am I always grow weary when it comes to others thinking lowly of me. I keep to myself for the most part. Trying to be accepted I don’t put much effort into it. I am scared of rejection. I am scared of the fear that comes with laying it all on the line only to not get picked in the end. Usually I am the last to be picked always. It is the most humblest way of living expect nothing until maybe one day the tides have turned. The idea that my eternal sadness can trigger rage in another makes me question the validity of those in charge of their emotions. To trigger rage when I am pouring my heart out makes me feel even isolated and alone. I know my husband’s libido should never be put into question. Maybe other’s are ok with a life devoid of passion. My life and my passion has always to be a good wife and mother. There is no greater heartache than having your best intentions tossed out with the trash. That is what happens on the day to day. I cook meals only to have them thrown out. I scrub the floors on my hands and knees only to have them mucked up from outside shoes. My knowledge on what makes my son happy is also thrown aside. To have others say that I spark rage when there is a clear hole in my heart makes me want to wither up and die.
All I wanted and hoped for was a chance at happiness. Silly me to think that a family should embrace each other in a joyful communicate way. Too many of my days and nights have succumbed to me feeling rejected and alone. I can’t help but feel betrayed and worst yet now I feel like never reaching out again. To me the fact that I keep tirelessly trying to communicate with a wall has me shaking my head. Somebody always has to suffer in the end. Did you ever try to repeatedly connect with somebody only to have them find another more creative way to ignore you. My intentions were never to hurt but to try and understand how it has gotten to this point. It seems that we have missed the crossroads and now we sit at a dead end. Although my heart is empty I never gave up hope that maybe someday we will find our way. Right now though I feel more alone than ever knowing that I have cut myself off from his whole side of being. If his friends and family are mad at my heartbreak wouldn’t that mean they never really cared about me at all? Now I can’t help but wonder what part I play in this whole piece and if maybe my existence isn’t needed at all.
We are all free to feel all the feels that come our way. We can either embrace them or shun them away never to be returned. I have spent the greater part of the year cutting those off that no longer serve me any good. The ones that are malicious behind your back but friendly to your face. My life is not a stepping ladder for you to raise yourself up above me. In fact my life is more like a bridge hoping to span the gap between those that normally wouldn’t come into contact. I love the intrinsic way we all come together in times of crisis. My heart belongs to those who dig in their heels and stand their ground. There is no point in having an opinion unless you will fight tooth and nail for it. There is no point in coming to a heated head unless you are 110% certain in what you stand for. No great leader ever hesitated. when met with opposition they still got it done. Your opinion shouldn’t be something that is fly by night. Now in hindsight who do we have to look up to who is strong in their resolution to make their life better. Right now we are being lead by a whole bunch of sheep with wolves out lining the pack.
So here we are. If I were to believe that my husband read my blog then that is to believe that he has no concern with me feeling alone, rejected and to have entirely lost my place in the World. If only I believed that his concern was actually about me and not how he is portrayed to the outside World. It is hard to know how it is I am supposed to feel when all he wanted to talk about was his image. According to him as told by his friends that there are a million other girls that would welcome being in my place. To those girls I invite with open arms. If you think you can do better with this hand of cards you are welcome to try. If you think living day to day with the only interaction being with a 2 year old and caring for these animals I will gladly take a step back. This life isn’t easy. It is incredibly hard. I wish instead of minimizing the impact of what I am feeling I wish we could come together with a mutual respect. This off handed way of pinning the blame on others though is the very reason why I feel all alone. I guess I am destined for another day of solitude. That is ok though I have a lot of things to keep me occupied along the way.