Every morning I usually start the day the same. Something triggers my emotions and I always tend to have a lil cry. Not the crazy earth shattering one. Just enough to wet my eyes and burn a path down my cheeks. That is me. I have always been this crazy ball of emotions that kept others at bay. Life was easier not getting attached. Being attached hurts. Every person that I have grew fond of his now gone. What other choice do I have but to always test the boundaries with my husband. Maybe I am looking for the final piece of straw that will make him leave. Don’t we all have limits. I am stuck in this wheel of seeing what I can get away with so I can get back to what I am used to being alone. I used to brag about being a perfectionist but maybe those are more of a distorted tendency to get me by.
I remember the first conversation I had with my husband before we had even met. In one quick phone call he laid it all on the line. I was the reverse. I used to put it all out there as well but all it ever got me was alone. A lot of people only care about how something directly impacts them. It is hard to want to get wound up in somebody else’s way because nobody wants to stick around anymore. Why put in any work when you can start scavenging for the next best thing. My error was in thinking that there was a best thing to be had. We are not capable of reaching the best. We are only made conscious of our abilities as we decide to engage in our lives. I know I am not even close to knowing what makes my life tick. I am trying though. My trying needs to be more inclusive of who my husband is as a person. His storey. His journey. Our tales have interwoven and created this little being of perfection and I feel that more than anything what makes sense is us trying to find away to dance this life together.
Maybe or lack of communication isn’t just him. It would have to be a combination of us both. It isn’t just one person playing an active role in the life that we are creating but everybody who has found comfort in these four walls. There are some pieces of his storey that I am not in the proper capacity to share. But when I can share is just a small piece to open the you up to the possibility that it will always take two to tango. In someway we all have to figure out the steps required in order to dance more in tune. Just like so many of us my husband was cheated on in one of his longer term relationships. There is no worse to having your trust betrayed then you having to find out through gossip. It turns out that she had engaged in a relationship with her boss. My husband does have a little of an anger issue as I think we all do when we have that kind of information thrown in your face. I think it started for her when her boss offered to buy her implants. Yet another selfish tale of a young woman doing anything it takes to get a head of her chosen industry. The industry in question was the hospitality industry. The bar in question was of course the elusive cowboys who was notorious for destroying young women’s lives in this way.
Our reality though as humans is that most of us have been cheated on. Nobody can keep anything in their pants when it comes to self gratification. Most are hardwired to do what feels good and then after that do what gets you ahead. I have no idea who this woman was, if she is still around or where she is now. What I have gathered or assumed depending on how much you know yourself is that my husband had his bounty of shitty relationships too. men are not like women but if they are in any way it would be hard not to start building up a wall. Then their is the lady who he was dating before me. It is hard to find the words to explain their union without actually having my husband’s input. What I value more than anything is the sanctity of life and the eventual demise. My husband’s last girlfriend passed away beside him after a night out for her birthday. After a night out celebrating at a casino he had fallen asleep. Sitting beside him in bed at some time throughout the night she had taken her last breath. She was a fierce addict. They met in her throes of her addiction. Writing this like this I can see where I am making huge mistakes. Imagine throwing in a man’s face he sleeps too much when he had woken up beside his girlfriend dead. Imagine always bringing up his past in the most shameful of ways. My blindness to my own self righteous thinking has led me to isolate a man who was gracious enough to go to work everyday and provide for us. To say the World is a confusing place is an understatement.
Somewhere in one of our moments (we don’t resort to name calling, violence or even too heated of a conversation) I heard him speak. I heard him say that he was feeling the way that I am now. Somewhere along this path together we had come apart. It was so much easier to just point your finger and walk away. That is what I love about choice and the ability to choose to make yourself known in your life. If it wasn’t for my continuous commitment to myself and in the end raising a find young man I wouldn’t have discovered the tools I need to be a stronger family unit. My fear of growing old and being alone is something that I have long held within my heart. I have watched as two great men left my life never to return. I can cry in a heartbeat when I remember my Grandpa or Dad. My heart shatters when I think that I will never see them again. I think I remember there strong arms the most and how safe I felt when I was inside them. Maybe I have just been too scared to live with a broken heart again. My heart is barely pieced back together that another one will make it so I will forget the importance of life all together. I am patient. I am humble and I am full. Full of the knowledge that it is ok to be different from my husband. It is ok to be the feminine cog in our framework. I never cared too much for competition anyways. We both share the same fear that has maybe lead to the both of us making it hard to connect. What I do know for sure is that we have both recognized that we need marriage counselling and I am beyond excited to open that door. All we can do is try and embrace the beauty of life that comes our way. More than anything I am committed to myself and that in itself will go along way.