The World is the ever growing place where are thoughts and emotions all intertwine into one. For some it is hard to decipher the messages that seem to be coming at us from all angles. We try to do the best that we can with the resources we have but somewhere in the haze we come to realize that what is really important is who we are on the inside. We have to find a way to separate our needs from what we want. It is rare that these two can actually come into fruition without a conscious understanding of who we truly are. The road to self discovery is this incredible journey that we should all be thankful for. There are always time of heartache that will forever alter the course. There is always a message that comes with every ending. And in every ending comes the hope of a new beginning. A new way of life a new way of being. Something to look forward to.
I think the perverse reality of the love stories told throughout history have distorted the true reality of what it means to have a companion, a life partner, somebody to weather the hard times with. There was a time when I believed my husband was the man I was destined to grow into my golden years with. We wouldn’t have been married unless there was an inkling of that somewhere. Yes we were with child when we said I do but I always believed somewhere that if a man was good enough to be the father of your child then he should be a good husband right?
There was always love between us but what was missing is lust. Maybe that is what drives a wedge in between two people. I feel my expectations were unrealistic. Life happens. Events happen that drain all your energy. It isn’t that kids come in the way it is just other things become more of a priority then getting your rocks off. Making sure our son is happy nd our chaotic zoo of animals thrive. Our life is thriving with love from every square inch of the room. There is no wrong way of thinking. We are all entitled to and capable of cultivating our own. The older I get the more realist I become in the sense that I would rather sit and enjoy each other’s company then get caught up in the throes of some sweaty entanglement. Yes there will always be times where your ego tells you to engage but hey the reality that it is going to be an activity I engage in on the day to day is long behind me now in my family dynamic.
My clouded sense of reality made me somebody who was unbearable to live with at times. Not all the time just the times when I would lash out at my husband about his lack of intimacy. He is entitled to his thoughts just like I am mine. To think that maybe I was infringing on his capacity makes me feel a little ashamed. What is most important to me is that everybody under this roof lives happy. Here my husband was going off and paying the bills and spending the lil bit extra’s on my son’s development and of course my love to dress up. I guess when considered in the parts that make up life great my is pretty good. We have our health and our animals and of course each other so what else does anyone need. The reality of me finding a soul mate on the top of the Empire State Building or under the Eiffel tower is probably never going to happen. Hollywood has painted enough of those pictures for me to believe in the reality of that anymore. Now with the whole World shut down I have been reminded of the joy that life can bring and how the passion to bring out the best in s lies deep somewhere within.
I’m love to read and with the library being shut down I am pulling out books I have acquired along the way and have forgotten about I try to keep the content fresh so not to grow bored. Last week I was reading about training my Cane Corso and this week I am reading “Inside my Heart” by Robin McGraw Choosing to Live with Passion and Purpose. I think if I would have known how well written and insightful this book was going to be I would have read it the moment I brought it home. There is something incredibly calming and grounding between the pages of her back. She has opened my eyes and my heart to what is really important in these times. Not only in these times but in life. Somewhere along the way on turning myself inwards and working on myself I had completely inverted myself. I stopped looking for the connection between me and my husband because it was a lot easier to have a crutch to fall back on. How incredibly unfair was my thinking. My husband became the thing that I could blame if I failed. Of course not everything he does is perfect and nobody truly is but we did commit our lives to each other so we have to find that spark that drew us together again. I mean we don’t have to but only if we want to. There is this great tranquil feeling that resonate from within when I think about the possibility of maintaining a happy, healthy marriage and family I know that it is still worth it to try.
I love the openness that comes from a true heart. The type of heart that reminds you how great it feels to be alive and the promise of reaching for even higher stars. We all have people in our lives that make us reach for them. When I think back on the choices I have made I wouldn’t change a thing. Not even the incredibly tough ones. We have to remind ourselves that in the moment we made the right choice. 5, 10, 15 years passing shouldn’t make you long for your past digressions. Maybe that is why marriages are tough. When you take away the physical and get to work on the emotional and mental the weak at heart can’t maintain. The inward reflection that one must make in order to be successful in a marriage isn’t a journey some want to take. It is hard. It is humbling. They will draw out sides to you, you never knew existed. Having somebody committed to your growth is just as important as you committing to yourself. You need both to thrive. Without one you will always feel empty. Nobody can understand you until you understand yourself. Trying to force somebody to see qualities you can’t see is a recipe for a disaster. We owe it to ourselves to live with passion and purpose. It is our own responsibility to uncover what those maybe.