I saw this meme this morning that kind of made me laugh. Then it made me feel sorry for the way the World is. Who we have become. The meme in question was about how it was Friday and the best part was going to Blockbuster with Dad. That was one of the best parts of growing up in the 80’s and 90’s. At least for me. Movie rentals were a hit and miss. All you had to go on was what was written on the back and whoever was working there at the times opinion. The best part was deciding who was going to pick out the movie. We usually got one for us kids and the adult’s got their “adult movie” before you go all twisted and think porn it was more of the violence in nature. Usually my dad would watch it that night and if it wasn’t to inappropriate he would let us watch it the next day (fast forwarding through all the bad parts). To give you an example of how conservative my dad was he even fast forward through the Johnny/Baby scene in Dirty Dancing.
To think that the norm now is to spend as little amount of family time as possible, well until you were forced because of this lockdown. Life was moving so quick. You blink and it felt like another decade, another era. We are always competing for something to be somebody but unsure of the reasons why. Growing up all I wanted to be was the sparkle in my Dad’s eye’s. Now here I am 4 decades later and I have zero relationship with my Dad. None. It is crazy to think that somebody who meant so much to you now means nothing. No dinners, phone calls, letters. Just this contemptuous air of hate from an indifferent meeting of the minds. Being in tune with your inner voice you have to decipher through a lot of white noise. My problem sometimes is I am so strong on my convictions that I refuse to waiver. Any time I have in the past I have gotten bitten. I can feel bad people. There is just something about somebody’s intentions that I can pick up on. I always doubted myself but I am beginning to realize that I shouldn’t Uneasiness and fear gets put into all of us to help us to survive. It is our fear of being alone that drives us to the unthinkable.
Back when I grew up things were much easier. We didn’t have this constant barrage of information, styles, trends. We were probably always in last years trending fashions but it didn’t matter we were happy. I couldn’t imagine a life then without my family. All of them. My sisters, cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents. At the time they were so important and now time has put in this great divide. The older you get the more work that needs to be put in. It makes me appreciate my upbringing so much more and makes me year for a time that I hope hasn’t slipped right through my fingers.
My days are filled with the ghosts of my past as I embrace each day fully. I try to release myself from the modern day chains as I embrace my World that lays in front of me. Having a little mind to mold makes it that much more challenging. I love the way he helps me with my chores and helps me putter around the yard. I have to remind myself regularly that he is a sponge that will grow up to emulate me and my character. I have to keep reaching for those stores and fill my heart with the biggest joy. Everything I do is being watched by the most important eyes that will ever lay upon me. From this day on my journey unfolds in front of me as I am bestowed the greatest honour of motherhood. Being a mother is not a right. It is beyond my greatest privilege. Why some take it for granted and some will spend their whole lives mourning the lives of what might have been I will never truly understand. When given the option to live out my days here in his company in the home that my husband works hard to provide how can I be anything else but happy?
We are all just mere moments away from madness. I can will myself there in a heartbeat if that was my desire. Maybe there was a time when all I wanted to do was win an argument or at the very least be right but not now. The only right I see is raising a boy to grow into a fine young man capable of making his own choices and hopefully choosing a path full of prosperity and hope. No matter what though I know there is value of being able to let him go and expand his own wings. I am using my time in between to get ready for that day. I am not blind to the fact that he is going to live here forever. I am also not ignorant to realize that I can’t be with him for every second of every day. What I can do though is teach him what true love feels like and the importance of choice and making the right ones. That is all as a mother we can do and hope for. It is exciting to think that one day he will have his own life free from these walls. That though is so far ahead. I always bring my presence into the current moment watching him smile and listening to his sweet lil laugh. I guess ya I don’t need a movie star to love this lil guy in every moment or set time aside for just me and him. Right now everyday is spent like that. There is nothing in the World I value more then the precious moments we share right now.