My Circus, My Monkeys

My house is chaotic to say the least.  There is so much going on in any given moment the best I have is an opportunity for myself when everything calms. There is no telling how long the moments will last and if I will ever get anything done but oddly there is a great calm that has been entering my life since I acknowledged it’s existence. The idea being that without one of the life forms that have come to be in this house together we all make sense.

Today was no other. There is no more sleeping in. That was gone long ago, since I don’t know when. As soon as the pup gets off of the bed all time is of the essence. Taking too long to get up will result in a mess on the floor so you are damned if you don’t and all signs are pointing to go. Depending on the time will result on just how many get up with me. These days my husband is back at work (started with a new company) so he’s out the door at 6 am. Usually the pup joins us in bed when he leaves and it is only a matter of time.

Training a new pup wasn’t something I signed up for. He is growing so fast and is so reckless in play and his curiosity with the World. He is so scared though of life outside and off our pavement that I am unsure just what kind of commitment and focus it is going to take to get him back up to where he needs to be. You see previous to these posts I was complaining a lot. My internal struggle within of where I wanted to be and the ever intoxicating lure of what lies if you stray to far has my mind and ego dancing the forbidden dance. I was going crazed with this confusing sense of being that was having it’s way with me all at once.  Something happens though when you are in the eye of the storm and you can see exactly what is happening. You can see that somehow along the way you have become the glue that has held the whole family together. That with one missing the whole wall falls down. Like Jenga.  There is no strategically taking out a piece without disrupting the whole. But know more than ever I could see my place in the World. However complicated it may have become I was lead hear unknowingly and all of a sudden I couldn’t help but feel a sense of peace.

All these lives made their way to me and it is hard to not want to protect them now. Along the way of they found happiness and life and peace and their is no better feeling than all that. Yes I am angry at my husband for bringing that puppy home. I have spent more time angry then anything else. But there comes a time in all of our lives where we receive these gifts of clarity. I wasn’t entirely sure but I always look for reassurance. As me and our little dog went for a walk I journeyed down a path I didn’t want to go. It was down the same route I walked the last time as I went to say goodbye to my friend. The odd conversation we had over blueberry tea. The way he walked out in his bare feet to say goodbye. He hugged me but didn’t kiss my cheek as he usually did. I remember this because I remember having this strange sensation that something was different something was off. I remember reaching the stop sign and looking behind me as I turned and he was still there in the snow waving. That was the last time.

Today as we walked I saw the life all around me. The tranquil beauty that comes when serenity is restored. There were white and brown rabbits and what seemed like an infinite number of deer. I saw a squirrel climb a tree with a whole granny smith apple. I couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear as I heard the sound of a frog in the creek down below. All this life around me thriving. That all you had to do was stop and take notice and you will see. That in each and single moment the beauty comes to those that take the time to enjoy. To witness the happiness and peace that comes when all is in harmony. There was a pull that brought us all together and we all depend on each other to live a blissful life. When considering all things what could be more peaceful than this. Love. Pure love the kind that should be written about isn’t about raw, tantric, sex. That is the physical outcome of lust of sexual desire that is inbreed within all of us.

To get to the end at a pace that one can deem worthy of a life well lived would take companionship and loyal dedication to ensure that all needs are being met. What I am beginning to experience now is this sense of pride and an over abundance of pure love that comes from so many lives coming together in so many forms. That the commitment we took when we agreed to what we undertook still is my responsibility no matter how angry my husband makes me. Marriage is a lot of work. It isn’t a fly by night sort of decision that one takes lightly. Yes some might think that after only 6 months getting married might have been too soon. I have always maintained that if we never got married than my son would never be here. I will say it here point blank and you can judge me as you may. What I will always stand strong on is my ability to tell the truth the whole truth. I am not ashamed of anything that is my life. I will admit when I am a wrong and stay silent when I am right. It isn’t about anything more than living a life that is right for me. My decision to marry my husband and to have our son was because we made a commitment to each other and our family. That come hell or high water we were going to ride it out some way together. Right now I have found a manageable way to make it sing for me. We are all different in our approach. For me I engage fully with my circus believing in the madness when I can but keeping order when necessary. Whatever it is it works for us and for now I feel proud.

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