My Journey to Self Discovery

We can try to convince ourselves of anything as long as it makes sense in our own head Content in my own misery I try to find the rose colored glass I need to make sense of it all. I want to believe that I have found myself on the right place. At times it is all I think of. In one quick moment though all comes crumbling down around me as I am reminded of the thorn sticking from my side. It doesn’t hurt anymore as it is irritating. To remove it would result in loss. Loss of myself. Loss of others. Loss of this uncertain, unmarked path I somehow always find myself on. I am only lost to one though. To all others I am their salvation. To me they are also mine. Together we can find the peace that comes with true happiness and the serenity of life that results.

I know it seems crazy to think that one’s life purpose could possibly be to be loved and to love all these animals. Most could never understand how it is that I would want to give up my solo existence in order to care for so many. The more time I spend within these walls the more I realize just how valuable their lives means to me. All of our lives have value no matter how small. I try to remind myself of that even when those lil pesky bugs are making a meal out of my plants. They say behind every man is a strong woman. Some agree, some disagree. Some just want to give their two cents to stay relevant or worse yet controversial. In a partnership though it doesn’t make sense for both units to be doing the exact same job. I think that is why it is harder for my husband to see just how crazy and chaotic our lives really are. How can he? I try to keep this ship rolling in the high seas with minimal impact to him. Is it his fault that he can’t see what is going on? Or mine? Whatever the reasons the only way to navigate through now is to try and communicate where we might have gone wrong.

Take for example the now 90 pound puppy. All he wants to do his chew, bark, play, pee, sometimes, sleep and repeat. He has grown so fast he has no idea how big he is. He is lanky and loud and has become scared of his own shadow. He hasn’t changed how he plays but now the smaller animals ae terrified of him.  My small dog shakes in his presence. Yesterday I witnessed (the small dog’s name is Latte) throwing up his lunch when he saw Brutus (the pup). I had noticed that there was something going on but now it was very obvious. As they were playing his mouth would circle around Latte’s neck. That would be terrifying no matter what species you are. Brutus doesn’t mean it has aggression. But now that he doesn’t know his own size I have to step in in order to not sacrifice the quality of life of our small dog. To try and show the little dog that he is important in our family I have resorted to taking him on walks just the two of us. Add one more thing on my to do list.

It wouldn’t be so bad except for the senior dog always looks at me with the saddest eyes one could ever imagine. I want to take him but it is mine and Latte’s one on one time and I know just how important it is to feel like somebody else is in your corner. Oddly Latte is filling that void for me too. When it is just the two of us enjoying nature and our surroundings everything else seems to fade away. Our batteries get recharged and we feel ready and able to conquer whatever is in store for us.  Friday morning when my husband went to work he came and snuggled up right by my shoulder. He needs me just as I need him. I should mention. Weeks before I gave him a terrible haircut. I just wanted to trim him up and make him feel handsome as I knew then something was going on for him.  As we were walking I looked down and that’s when I saw it. Just along his shoulder blades his buttery tan fur had to streaks of white that looked like angel wings. I thought this was significant as when I was talking to medium she told me my Grandpa was drawn to that little dog and now here he was. My guardian angel.

I think too often we confuse true love with lost. We only care to feel the physical outcome of what we perceive love to be. The best kind of love is the tight embrace of a warm hug, the soft gentle touch on your cheek as you wipe away a tear. A smile amongst two unspoken made with the eyes and heart. When it comes to true love there are no words that can ever describe the feelings because it has never been about the words in the first place.  It comes with just knowing when the other needs you now more than ever. It comes when sleep is forgone and all that is left is the rhythmic breathing as your heartbeats slow and steady. It doesn’t have to be bought with riches and gold nor can it ever be broken. There are only two types of true unconditional love. The type that is earned and the type that is born. True love exists between a child and their parent. Nothing will ever intervene and the love will always come full circle. Even in times of great loss the two will always find a way to come back to each other. And the other is the love earned from undying loyalty and devotion. This usually comes in the form of our pets.  They understand the commitment you took in order to provide for them a life. Especially those that have walked a life homeless or in a shelter. It isn’t up to us to validate between the two. It is only up to us how we respond to and absorb what is happening around us. We can either play a part or play a fool. The course you chose is entirely up to you.

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