Is it ignorance or bliss that fuels us? Do we see ourselves in our true image or is it just the image that we are trying to portray. On some level it is that portrayal of ignorance that draws us in. That desire to help those that appear to want to be saved. Except in some cases though you find yourself in shark infested waters being led to the inevitable self destruction. Sometimes you can decipher through the language of those that are unspoken. You see the smile of the shark and want to believe in all the promises. I will not bite you in order to make myself stronger. I will swim beside you to keep you safe. Unless of course it serves me best to lunch on your heart then that is something that I will do.
I used to shamefully engage in banter against another. Partly because I always wanted to fit in. I thought that maybe I would be more likely to be accepted if I held the same views of those that had nothing nice to say to anybody including their own mother. Where most of us should feel some shame is how we speak about each other. I could never understand why anybody would keep somebody in their close circle only to talk about them when there back is turned. And I mean literally have their back turned. You can be at the same event and here women talk badly about each other. “Do you see what she is wearing? Holy she looks fat? Did you hear what so and so said?” Now as all this transpires I sit shocked and dumbfounded wondering why anybody would speak so horribly about anybody never mind a friend. Like I have said I know I have been guilty of this. Anybody who know sits on top of their throne staring down their nose at me knows that I am talking directly to them. I don’t need any sort of reassurance. I know who I am and I am strong in my convictions. I don’t fear retribution because if it is coming out of my mouth it is something I darned right believe in. I can promise you that.
Another irritating factor that is constantly arising in the Pin-Up community is authenticity. We all come together to find inner peace and clarity. To discover the voice we lost long ago along the way. Tired of being ridiculed and made to believe we were anything less than our own image we thought we found safety amongst each other. A sisterhood, a safe haven to call our own. When I see or hear about others engaging in toxic negative activity I immediately cut them out of my social/personal life. Yes there may be times when we are forced to occupy the same space but that doesn’t give you an automatic ticket to be present in my life. For example. One outing it was brought to my attention that one of the photographers in particular was refusing to take pictures with some of my fellow Pin-Up sisters. His reasoning was that they were too fat, too old, or heaven forbid were not to his aesthetic pleasing. Yes photographers attend our events free of charge and take photographs of us you would think they would have a tad more decorum. I have shot with this particular photographer in the past but NEVER, EVER AGAIN!! I came home and immediately blocked him from all of my social media and that was that. I take a stand beside ALL of my Pin-Up sisters. Each and every one of them have a place in my heart. Even the mean ones.
Having a place though doesn’t mean you get to automatically be a part of my World. That is reserved for my family and friends who I know I can count on. All that means is because you are part of our community I will always come to your aide. As true sisters do. We live in this World where the less we know about what is going on around us the happier we become. There is bliss in not knowing everything. The in’s and out’s. However, there will always become a time where you are no longer young enough, thin enough trendy enough. You become disposable. I have witnessed a few friendships find their way out in yesterday’s trash. You can’t use another as a step stoning to get yourself across the river. Sooner or later they are going to need to breathe too and you are going to be the first one to fall over.
I am not so ignorant nor did I have much bliss. For awhile I was trying to understand how it is I could become collateral damage. But then as the smoke settled I realized that maybe I wasn’t. Although it maybe believed to some that I am just lingering in the outskirts I am actually more in tune with who I truly am. That a community, neighborhood or title will never define me. I define myself. From day to day I determine who I want to portray for that moment and through this all I find I am more likely to portray my own image, the image I have always had before clouded with my own misinterpretation of who I truly was meant to be. My life although perfectly imperfect allows me to dress the part each and everyday. When my sons eyes light up from the bright colours and accessories I know I am burning a memory of me in his mind. I never really need a car show or event to dress up. My life is the event. The idea that most haven’t embraced their true self is incredulous to me. Why have a closet full of clothes that you only where in the presence of other people? The only clothes that have found themselves banished to the outskirts is the ones that are a little too snug for me to wear comfortably. I hope that maybe in time maybe there will be a way. Some items I have never worn yet. Pregnancy took over. If ignorance is bliss and being blissful is ignorant I think I will dare to live in my own image not afraid of my own voice or shadow. To live any other way would be a shame. Don’t you think?