What do you find easier to answer? Tell me what you like about yourself? Or tell me about what you don’t like about yourself. Do you fixate upon the physical characteristics as a means to define you or do you look inwards to what is your true reflection. I guess for me it is at the forefront of my mind on the eve of a video submission for an on-line Pin-Up contest. The video was supposed to be 30 to 45 seconds long and had to tell the audience where you were from, your name and something interesting or fun. Basically the video was limitless in the manner that you wanted to portray yourself. How do you sum yourself up in under a minute to highlight your strengths?
Knowing approximately 3 weeks ahead of time that the deadline was looming you think I would be able to create a short film worthy to be at Cannes Film Festival next year. However, with that much time and so many things that I would love to talk about how do you come across as genuine and not over conceited. There is a fine line between conceit and confidence right? I know when the final 12 are called no matter who they maybe it is always the greatest honour to just throw my name in the ring for something of this calibre. I can already say that I am a Beauty Queen and that moment on stage will forever be etched inside my heart. I believe that we all deserve our time to shine and I will gladly celebrate those we have the confidence to let their beauty radiate from all angles. However when it is all said and done I would love a chance to be in the final 12. There is a definite bond and sisterhood to those that have taken the stage together. With knees a knocking we get our confidence to stand tall and proud from each other. That is why I love to compete. It isn’t the crown that is the prize but it is the life long bonds that come with it.
How interesting to think that ever since my son was born I have been redefining who I am as a person. That the shadows that were cast before me are no longer there. Just a well lit path with friends cheering me on from the sidelines. My life changed when I became a mom. Everything working up to that moment made complete sense. I love to nurture. I love to love. I love to mother all those that need to feel the warm embrace of a mom. That I know now that we walk this life all together. We can walk it hand in hand or casting stones. The image I want to portray to the rest of the World is somebody who would make my son proud. I don’t want my son to ever hold his head down ashamed of his mother and how she acted. I will forever be polishing my mannerisms to reflect so. It is not enough to be his mother, educator and best friend but to be a living example of what a true, compassionate human really feels. To allow yourself to feel all the raw emotions and feelings that come from knowing your true self. I have to have the courage to reach for my stars in order to teach him to reach for his. Everything I do now is being absorbed. Being watched and dissected and then put back again. Looking for holes and deficiencies in the way I behave and react to certain situations. I can see it in the way he moves. The way he speaks. He has the chance to end up just like me. The new me. The me who knows who I want to be or at least portrayed.
What happens when who you are isn’t the same person that you are able to portray. For whatever reasons the path that you were chosen is hard to know which one to run on. There are two paths running parallel but they are oh so completely different. One path guarantees an easy run but will eat you up at the end. The other is the hardest obstacles you will ever have to face but in the end you will be met with eternal salvation and pride. How are we ever supposed to know which way is the truth. How can we define something that we have no idea how to define it. We can’t turn for help out of fear of being judged. Worst then being judged being hated. What if we bared our truths to be buried alive by those we loved unconditionally. There is always a chance that the worst outcome can become the reality. But is it really a burden to start living out of the shadows. Do not be afraid of what can or may happen if information has fallen into wrong hands. To diffuse the messenger before it even becomes an earthquake. To diffuse the momentum and taken control would result in something less than a tremor. At least it should.
Would you be ok with who you truly are never comes to light. That you walk aimlessly without purpose, lacking passion, searching for something that is missing that you will never ever get a chance to find. To know what happens next might help make the choices that keep you awake at night. To try and decipher what is wrong and what is right changes from person to person. To be judged for your honest truth. Hated for who you aren’t you hate yourself for who you are pretending to be. You keep dancing that dance because it is easier then to show the World then be shunned in the very next breath. To be laughed, hated , teased at your weakest moments. So now as I finished editing 3 days worth of videos into just 46 seconds I ask myself if that is who I am. Is that who I want the rest of the World to see? What happens if it isn’t loved in the same way that I do how would I feel? Hitting send before I changed my mind I knew that I was 110% confident in who I was in the video. That it highlighted myself in the way that I am happiest as a strong confident housewife and mother who is capable of multi-tasking just as quick as she is able to manipulate a pin-curl or winged liner. That the only judge in front of me is the one below me, my son, my love, my firstborn. Everything I do from this point forward is to guide you to being an incredible human capable of free will and thought and the ability to never lose sight of your dreams.