The Darkest Corners of My Mind

In the deepest dark corners of your mind what brings you to insanity. Is it that way other’s have a preconceived notion about who you truly are? Or is the preconceived notion of how other’s portray somebody you love to be. I think about what hurts more, me hurting or knowing that somebody I love hurts. Watching from the sidelines at their heartbreak I feel my own heart break into so many pieces that there is no way to find them all. I know I have not always been good. I have said things out of anger, I have had a physical reaction, I spew words that I wish I could take back but even I know that some things are just not right.  I strayed so far away from my family I became lost in the process. My biggest sorrow was the one where I felt like I no longer had a place in my family. I felt so ashamed for the things that happened to me. I know we attract it all. There was something I was putting out there that reacted in such a huge negative way. But my heart, my soul always comes back to one place.

My heart plays this song over and over again. My grandmother is singing. It is about a bird with a broken wing that two children find. They love and care for it and nurse the bird back to health. The bird sings to the children asked to be set free. It goes first the bird and then the children’s. One line in English and then in Russian. As I sit here alone in my quarantined  hell it is hard to get a moment to breathe. Right now though my son has fallen asleep. I am free to let the tears wash over me and hopefully take my sadness as they go. Physically I have nobody. As do we all right? But I mean even after all the smoke and mirror fades I am stuck so far away from my core that I really do think I am going insane. I am frustrated with the lack of human interaction. In one sense I have my in-laws but they are not the foundation I need. The foundation that I know I would have if only my family weren’t so far away.

Imagine all you can do is replay the moments in life that made you happy. Only now they just make you so incredibly sad. If I listen to my Grandma’s voice it reminds me of my Dad. When I think of my Dad I think of all the ways I disappointed him. No matter how hard I tried I could never establish a relationship with his new wife. I was always this really bad daughter who was not worthy of a relationship with my Dad. My own flesh and blood has written me off as a failure to the Universe. It is so hard to look for the silver lining when all you want is just one more hug. Imagine a woman doing everything in her power to destroy the father/daughter bond. What kind of woman does this? How can I forgive somebody that spent her whole union with my Dad undermining the life he had before her. My Dad used to like me. We used to play catch everyday. I love him so much. I to remind myself that if there is life after all this then I will get to be with him again.

It truly is an impossibility not to be sad these days. As the obstacles in my own marriage seem to carry and incredible weight it only makes the divide between me and my Dad more sickening. I always had the attitude that I could live my life for me. But now I don’t want to. Yes the fact that I engage in activities to make me a better person does have a domino affect. It has really brought the reality into focus of character and what type of person we portray ourselves to the World. Can a significant other get in the way between a true life a blood bond. Imagine this putting ANY significant other ahead of your own family makes you a what? Who do you become when you shun all that you had to be that person. The holes in my marriage are a glaring indication of just how vile a husband one must be to draw lines in the sand like that. I have always maintained that my son is entitled to all the love he can get until he is old enough to determine who that may be.  I have never stopped my husband’s sister from having a relationship with my son for example. Their relationship and their bond is not up to me it is between them. Being a human allows for compassion. Without that you are just an egotistical self centered twat. Don’t worry I see what I need to see it’s not like anybody is fooling anybody here.

This all leads to the notion that unless you have spent ANY time and I mean ANY time with anybody how can you cast stones. In 20 years I have changed to the point where you couldn’t even recognize me. I do not believe that I am better than anybody. I am damaged sometimes to beyond repair. I still get up everyday though and try to raise an outstanding human being. And that is another thing!! To talk ill of my son MY SON!!! Please just take the trash out and be gone. All that I will need will find a way to me in time. I am so sick of the tortured ways that some carry on because they just can’t let it all go. Choices were made. All the choices were made now fluff up your pillows and let sleeping dogs lie. What I like is the truth. The truth always will set you free. The lies of continuous misfortune and discontent will all one day be heard. I somehow have to find the strength to remain silent though and let it all eat at me alive.

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