Who Will Be By My Side

Sometimes it is nice to get lost in the childlike mystery that lays dormant far within. That inner peace that existed, nurtured by youth. It is any wonder why we all rushed so fast to grow up.  Without those memories of a time that brought lots of self discovery I would probably lay stuck in confusion.  I linger there for a moment to help ignite my dreams. To renew my passion of a heart forgotten long ago that searched in vain for the missing piece to the puzzle of my life to find out I possessed the piece so long ago.
Memories when spent to long reminiscing over what was can bring on a bout of depression that will threaten your very right here, then and now. It is not enough to just pull you back from a simpler time. But it truly does have to make you see how that experience can make now a better place. We all have our sweet hauntings of moments long ago.  A passionate embrace, a forbidden kiss and all things and everything in between. I remember exactly where I was when I heard the song “Fishing in the Dark” . It was after our school trip to Spokane where we watched the musical “Les Miserables” it was our graduation trip when we were in grade 6. I had my first boyfriend (don’t tell my Dad). We held hands all through the play.  Thinking back it was super exhilarating and exiting. I don’t think I breathed at all until intermission when I ran to the bathroom and giggled like a school girl. The whole ride home while with my girlfriends and my drive behind the wheel that song began to play and grinning from ear to ear I daydreamed all the way home.
In these moments when it feels like my husband doesn’t notice me I remind myself of times like these. There was romance in my life before maybe I can find it again. It’s not the sex side of it I am looking for. I am after that connection that speaks to your soul. The kind of energy that grabs you and captivates you all these decades later. I can look back in all those simpler times when it was enough just to sit beside a person.  With every type of intimacy stripped away from me I think that is the only thing that I crave. Maybe it is the idea of crazy it would seem to be even naked in front of anybody. Nothing turns you into feel like a lost teenage girl than to be in my situation. Without the basic human touch of a man I have become shy.  I try to remind myself of what it feels like to be a woman while playing a role. I portray to the World an image of modern housewife but there really isn’t too much modern about me. In values I am much more 1950’s housewife. I feel prudish in the sense that I forget what it feels like to have that raw womanly urge that lusts over a man. I have waited this long. I can wait the rest of my life I suppose. Unless of course. Well nevermind.
Unless of course it is a chance to be reborn in a sense. To experience the way it should have been all along for me. To have a true gentleman exert patience and virtue getting to know me. The real me. We are all so much more than the image we present to the World. There is the softest spot of all coming from out center, our heart. To truly wait until you know the true person just like how it was meant to be long ago. To not give your body up to every temptation because that is who we have become. Immediate gratification to all as it comes at us from all different ways. Not for me though. I have no interest. There is nothing that shows a man the door faster than a remark about my cleavage or derriere. I am so much more than just a body. My soul reminds me that this is true as I find a new way to let myself go to the Universe.
So if you remember a time that ignites that passion in you, you owe it to yourself to at least try. With the greatest risk being not getting the chance before death takes you over you should dip your toe in before telling yourself it is too cold. To forget this little piece and pull the wool over your eyes you will always live with longing in your eyes. A piece of you will always ask yourself but only what if. Can you do that? What does that conversation look like when the Reaper is staring you in the eyes.  What if the love that you have always been looking for has lead you to this door. Do you open it or lock it to see who is standing there waiting for you. Do you take their hand or smack it? Is it love or hate? Everything that has been thrown at me says to take one more chance. What is there to lose as I already do feel lost.
Maybe I need to just stand there in the doorway and see who comes to me. If this is my fairy tale and there is a happy ending shouldn’t my Prince present himself to me. Everything that I have learned leading up to this moment has been an indicator of what I need to do. Push me through or suck me back I am ready to know. Which path do I choose the upper or the lower? And who is there by my side and who truly has been since the start of this journey, every step of the way.

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