Somewhere. During some time we have all yearned to be popular. Whether it was having the most likes, or having the attention of the most popular kid in school there was something we were all searching for. Something that could only be validated from another. We were conditioned long before we could walk to seek the acceptance and approval of others. ALL OTHERS. How many of us had our first sip of alcohol or sexual experience because of peer pressure. Call it whatever you want but there was something seeded inside of all that would spend our whole lives longing for something that clearly didn’t make sense. Where did all these likes are experiences get you? Sometimes the friendships you sow while you are younger will flourish into these great prosperous fields of longevity. Those friends never needed to look outside of themselves for what they needed. They were lucky to find a band of friends that would draw out their strengths and diminish their weaknesses. These friendships are gold. They don’t tarnish like all the others. They shine to the heavens until the curtains last call.
What happened to us? The ones that seeked social approval on the regular. We depleted our souls to dance with the devil except for no matter how hard we tried the devil never noticed us. He knew we weren’t meant to dance that dance so once again we stood feeling like we had no purpose. Dying to fit in we would try any means necessary to forge friendships. We would max out our credit cards, drink until sunrise or could we keep on going to sunset it didn’t really matter. For me I was living a life I should have left behind in my 20’s but with no sense of self or purpose I stayed intermingled in those things that would surely kill me. Without recognizing my own self it was impossible to see if those in the shadows were friends or foes. As long as they didn’t hurt me it didn’t matter. At the time I had no idea what it would feel like looking back. Spending every last cent I had for just one more beer run or baggy of coke. In those darkest moments I thought I didn’t need anybody. I was always surrounded by people until the part favours ran out.
Being surrounded by a whole room full of people in different level of intoxication it is hard to not let the abyss take you. Nothing makes you feel like a bigger waste of a life then being in your 30’s partying with those just going into college. When you don’t believe in yourself nobody believe in you. Ya, ya you might fit in because of your hair, your clothes or your reckless concern for all life but that’s it. When the bar suddenly closes and the lights come on and you see yourself in the mirror, there is no denying just how haggard your spirit has become. I used to think that I was pretty cool drowning out my inner self to try and forget about living life. The more I drank the more muffled her voice had become. The devil needs us to constantly be punishing ourselves. With enough negative self hate and talk he is winning. Everything that you touch will die and that includes your own self. Insanity is repeating everything over and over again excepting different results. Now with the lights glare I can see just who needs to be the most important person in the room. No matter what from this point forward I had to make the choices right for me and no other. The person’s attention I needed most was my own. I wonder if I am too late?
I am not really sure how I got home that night the last night I had seen the insides of a bar. It was time to redecorate my life from the inside out. There was no desire to be popular but more so to be authentic. Tired of living in these shadows in a forest I didn’t recognize I knew it was time to pave my own way. The values that drive me in life have always to be kind and leave the world a better place then when you left it. I had to give u p eating meat. The concept of eating the flesh of another being seems all to cannibalistic to me. Yes animals kill each other out of survival. We murder animals because of profit. It isn’t that we need their rotting flesh for nourishment. We are eating these beings last torture moments here on Earth. Where they were granted the same opportunities as us, to find love and be loved with have robbed them of their basic living right. No wonder why we have evolved to be such a tortured society. What choice do we have when we fuel our bodies with this level of contempt. Maybe I have completely lost my mind. I have become that person who can look at a plant in my garden and tenderly rub it’s leaf. I remove the decaying leaves or stems from it’s pot so that they don’t have to live in the vicinity of death. Death happens to us all. Why are we so inconsiderate? Ahhhhh. It is because we have lost a strong sense of self.
How often have you denied yourself the opportunities that will allow your soul to lift? Are you doing things for the right reasons or purely for the selfish gain. I have a passion for pageants. I love my moment to shine and highlight the life I am working so hard towards. I think we all enter our first one hoping to win. My feelings towards pageants has evolved. My hope upon entering these pageants is to make a life long connection. To meet a being that fully understands and can hear my soul lights me on fire. It makes me want to shine yet absorb all the positivity that is coming towards me. I used it as an opportunity to level up my presence amongst my self. Do you here me World I am still here! I no longer need you to validate my existence because I am working hard on validating myself. The only thoughts that can poison my thinking are my own. Sticks and stones may break my bones but your words will never hurt me.