Rewarder or Executioner?

I felt your presence as you walked into the room. As soon as your foot hit the doorway I felt all the energy get sucked out of the room then almost within the same instance get rushed back in. I want to turn and drink in your aura but the years of neglect stopped me in my trucks. Moving myself to the deepest darkest corners of the room I hid in the shadows. Hoping you would find me but also terrified of what was to come. Do I know you? Do you know me? Can you feel me in the room as I you. Starring at the remnants of rocks in my scotch I drew a deep breath in trying to remember this exact moment.

I couldn’t help but stare as you lit up the room and demanded everybody’s attention. Hmmm more like captivated. You didn’t have to do anything for all of us to get lost in your trance. You could here it in the way your shoes hit the pavement as you worked the room. I have never before known such angelic beauty in a human form and I have yet to even see your face. Where I sit I can only just feel you. I chose that seat on purpose. With the lingering air of rejection I couldn’t bare the thought of what I was feeling right now in this moment being lost if I just decided to turn and take a quick glance. Every time I try to catch your reflection in the mirror I am lost in your blinding smile. My World has never known a being like you.

Even your laugh has me feeling like a naughty teen girl that has over binged on mom’s fresh bake pied and fresh turned ice cream. At the time when you are indulging you can barely come up for air. But soon enough a sore belly is all you have and an explanation on how you lost all your free fill. I feel that with you. If I turn around and get lost in your smile will I ever never feel complete. If you don’t feel the same way smile how can I ever move forward. Just this morning life was mundane. I had an idea of myself but now everything has turned around since you entered the room. Back still slightly turned I ponder the possibility of what if. Why does there have to be a what if. How can one tie their eternal happiness to another. We all know the storey we have entertained our sense with all the losses that have ever found us in life. That is what makes resisting you so much easier. When you become accustomed to walking around in in a deep depression. Remember the last time you thought it would be ok to let your guard down and allow somebody close to your guarded soul? What happened? We think that they made it there and raged in an epic battle of your sanity and ego. Who won? Are you the reaps of the reward or the executioner. Come to think of it the ease of the way you came into the room has me reassessing everything that I have come to know. Now to get rid of the charming giggle from my ear.

You know I only came in here for just a drink. Reality comes when we least expect it. My reality now is to shake all the webs from my isolated brain. What is scarier the chance taken or not taken? Would I be ok with never turning and seeing if this energy, this electric energy is something that needs to be united. I can already feel that you are everything that I am not. I can’t help but close my eyes and drink in your warm air. You are close enough that I can feel the warm breath being redirected my way. What is that heavenly sweet smell? The pieces in me that is telling me to be cautious are being drowned out by my need to just know you. Your presence although so small, I guess if I don’t turn to take you in there is no presence. I close my eyes and will for you to find me. I signal for the waitress to bring me another round and another shot. She does so with a smile but tells me that this would be last call so enjoy.

Flooded with panic I slam the first shot and look down at the cubes of melting ice. How would I ever find the strength to introduce myself. Without courage I become a nobody, a nothing. Everything inside of me lights up like a Christmas tree at the possibility of this stranger being my other piece, my better half.  I have never needed the presence of another so desperately that I am locked in fear. Now it feels like I am sinking in quick sand. My whole being is getting dragged down if I don’t find the courage to turn and at least smile. Pride is getting in the way and Ego is holding me back. What a tortured web we weave.  There is only one chance. As I lift myself up and down my drink in one go. I turn so fast I think I missed her. But there she is with her back turned to me.

I have to approach her. I have to know who she is, her storey, her journey, what brings her to  a sad little whole in the wall like this. I can barely make out her shadow but as my finger reaches to tap her right should it seems we are separated by glass. I turn to walk away as she turns to look at me. In my astonished amazement the smile looking back at me was my own. This whole time when I thought I needed a companion it was me that I should have been listening for. Who else knows us in the ways that we do. Who else can give a free unbiased opinion about only the facts. Not the black and white facts that we as a society have become so harsh on but the facts that form our life. What makes one grow will kill another. Be kind, be gentle, be genuine. You never know just what somebody is going through.

 

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