Authentically Connecting with the Inside

Looking up at the sky I thought it was a bird at first. Slowly descending back to Earth was a sole fluffy feather being carried by the wind. I thought how incredible it was to see such a thing from so far away. It was around the same time when I heard the quacking of a lil duck. I don’t live out in the country but there is a wooded area close by. In that instant I was reminded of how beautiful life could be. Small moments such as these serve as a reminder to slow down and try to appreciate the beauty. These days are becoming so hard. Hard to see what the point of it all is anyways. I will never understand no matter how hard I try. No amount of meditation or clarity can ever explain how we so eagerly followed others into insanity. That is where we are. This isn’t living. This is all of us crammed onto the same hamster wheel spinning out of control. Some of us get trampled on, some of us spin off. All of us have the same reality we can’t fully appreciate what it is we are supposed to get out of life. We can’t. Somewhere it was decided that who we are on the outside was far important than who we ever could be within. But that little voice talking to you right now trying to help decipher right from wrong has been so dulled for centuries.  Since it was deemed long ago that riches of wealth could always defeat riches of valour. Where, When, How? I want to stop my mind from reeling but can I? Dare I? Is it possible to live just outside the madness in order to live the life that I was destined too?

Day 3 off social media and I see an Indigenous woman has been murdered at the hands of RCMP Doesn’t it seem that anytime the police are involved you have to call it murder because anything else seems absolutely insane.  How can we trust in a system that is clearly crumbling beneath our feet? I though these men were trained in how to be human. To exercise compassion. To see the son and daughter looking back at you to see if there is hope. Only and if only if the eyes are staring back at you are dead then yes take them out at the knees. But only there. What happened to the days where cops shot to keep the person alive. I thought that was what justice was about. To see the criminal show remorse in their crime. To try and show that humanity isn’t failing. That a criminal should get a chance to repent and admit to their sins. To save their souls if their is anything left saving. Not just for the living but also for the dead. To take a stand and say for every persona that has walked this Earth before me I will honour you. hat the same life that coursed through you is coursing through me. That those who hurt or brothers in sisters in anyway deserve to be held accountable for our sins. Isn’t that humanity? To exercise restraint, compassion and remorse when given the chance. But to snuff another being right into oblivion so their soul is no more. Who has granted anybody the right to be executioner. Even to a cop that is acting out in an action that he believes will save his own life isn’t the last thing you want to do is kill anybody. Isn’t this taught in basic training?

Honestly. I am so horrified and disgusted that things are never going to change. We are all destined to be herded like cattle like who we are doesn’t even matter. I will never forget when my boyfriend at the time had driven my car to the club. We were 25, bankers and I course had a brand new 2006 Pontiac Lemans. Wouldn’t you know two blocks away from our favourite club the cherries lite up. I could see the sweat bead up on my boyfriends forward. I couldn’t understand why he was panicked. We were dressed to impressed, cruising downtown on the way to the club life was good. Ya I guess we were in an alley but we were looking for parking easily explained…(you try finding parking downtown Vancouver). He looked at me and told me that I couldn’t possibly understand. I looked up and it was at that time that I saw that there was a cop on each side of us coming up with guns drawn. I am not even kidding you!!! Like WTF! I knew then it was because I was white and he was that black guy driving a brand new car but it still didn’t make too much sense.

As soon as the cops got to us I just started talking. It is who I am. I basically said that I was the owner of this car and I was at a party and I drank too much so my boyfriend was driving my car. I obviously had my ID and insurance and everything checked out so they had to let us go. I asked him why he thought the need to pull us over in the first place to which he stammered that my vehicle was registered as gold and it was clearly yellow or something. Keep in mind it was 11pm and we were en route to the club. Good eye officer. That was 15 years ago. I thought as humans we were getting better but we are just a constant disappointment. During a pandemic we hoard all the toilet paper and over a $20 mishap we ignore the fact that somebody was struggling and kept exerting our power to make a point. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see all the ways we keep failing each other. It really sucks for the rest of us who want to connect with the people we are on the inside and not the made up person on the out.

 

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