Inner ward self reflection has left me wondering what is meant by those who want to leave behind a legacy. Simply put a legacy is an amount of money or property left to someone in a will. It is tangible. Left behind to comfort those that are left to pick up the pieces. So often what we cherished most becomes another’s person garbage. What we wanted to serve as a reminder to who we were in life becomes a filler in the dump covered by other’s missed dreams and ill intentions. We talk about the leaving of a legacy like it has value. I guess all assets that we can hold, feel and caress would have just that.
“What we say is poison to some and nourishing to others.”- The Essential Works of Rumi. Think about that. To tell somebody you love them could either be their poison or their nourishment. It becomes poison if they long for someone else. But if their feelings are the same it will be like heaven on Earth. We can never all truly feel happiness in the same moment. Somebody will always feel the pang of jealousy or defeat. We subject ourselves to a World where fame and fortune mean everything. If you aren’t at the top then you are somebody just floating around at the bottom. That only rings true though if you aren’t living authentically. You can never feel failure if you are living each day with a fever and passion. Whatever it is that occupies your heart and mind is something you should work towards in every moment. I love the poetic words of Rumi. Every time I turn a page I am filled with this fire that longs to connect with somebody in the way that he speaks about. How can we connect with beings that have become so robotic in nature. Do we even truly have free thought anymore? We barely have free will. We move so far away from who we were destined to become no matter why we amount our lives to a few buildings or cars.
I want to give myself up freely to the Universe without hesitation or fear. This body and mind that I have grown to become fond of has only become something I can tolerate over the last few years. I have always had a love/hate relationship with my body. I have always hated my body unless a man was telling me otherwise. In those brief moments I thought I was beautiful. Take away the lust and compliments that come hand in hand with feeling beautiful and I have almost began to feel more like a shell. Just a fragile outer shell that was waiting anxiously to be filled. Filled with knowledge, wisdom and history and all the things that truly will set ourselves apart when our end day has come. From the inside I need my light to shine bright so that when I take my last breath it will be easier for me to find my way home.
The World is in such pain and turmoil it is impossible to know what is wrong and what is right. We were lead here to this point with such confidence. Confidence filled minimalistic ideologies that supressed so many of us for so long. We believed in the blind ignorance and arrogance of a few men who did what they believed to be necessary during a period that we no longer understand. How is it so we are still fighting these horrendous battles where basic humanity no longer applies? How as a human being do you not want to try and correct the actions of those before you? Maybe way back then when we were acknowledging there was a problem in the first place, maybe if we approached these concerns with a sympathetic, compassionate heart and say, “You know what I am truly sorry. From one being to another I am sorry for what was done to you and your family.” If you were somebody with even a tiny bit of power wouldn’t you want to know what it would take to make it better? Realistically? I have a hard time believing that if you approached the members in our communities that felt like their voices weren’t being heard and asked what would it take to alleviate some of this pain? Acknowledge you can NEVER make it better. We can’t. But we can stop making things worse. Don’t you want that to be your legacy?
We have to stop this obsessive behaviour of rewarding those that we deem to be worthy of being on top. That is where a lot of tension comes from in the first place. Nobody likes to feel inferior in their own skin. Bodies that we have no control over. We hate when there is silence but that is sometimes what we truly need. To ask yourself the hard questions without anybody else interfering. To figure out what is important in your life and what it truly is you want to leave behind. What I want to leave behind is just this crazy amount of love. I need those that have a memory of me to know that they were always cherished to me. I believe that we are blessed with those we need when we need them. No hidden agendas or motives. When your voice and your instinct begins to have more weight then those around you then you know you have truly come into some great company.
I still feel a lot of confliction and maybe some sort of fear. Thinking to myself and trying to get the next directional course revealed to me is almost suffocating. The World is so public now. It is hard to know exactly where to fit in. I feel at times I don’t truly fit in anywhere. Almost like I keep pushing myself further and further away as more answers are revealed to me. At times there is almost a disoriented silence where I am unsure of where to go. Other times it becomes this intense passion that I can reveal fast enough. I have come to learn I need to slow down and take my time. My legacy. I want to be a reflection of my Grandmother’s love. I love her. The more I think about how much of a blessing she was to me the more I know the greatest honour will be to live in her best image. A selfless wife, mother, grandmother, friend. If only I can here the click of her teeth one more time, or the way she would say yea, ya as her thoughts wandered away. My legacy will be the life I lived here on Earth, in her honour as she gave me life’s greatest gift.