The ruthless way we conduct or day to day serves only to calm that ever growing anxiety that comes with being oh so aware. Aware of our surroundings. Aware of our moods and feelings. Aware of that person we were always destined to be. So many emotions get thrown at us from all angles that it becomes impossible to decipher between the realms of reality and what we need to fantasize about to stay alive.
I wonder if there is harm in living in a dream like state. Not ignorant of those around us and how they maybe feeling on the inside.  But a World that escapes our reality that makes living not seem so mundane. We all have to believe in something that allows our own thoughts to run free. Even if for the most part those thoughts are untrue they keep us filled with the hope maybe one day those thoughts will be.
My perfect thoughts of what my life ought to be and what it actually is don’t really combine at all. Oh so bittersweet in it’s design it is hard to decipher fact from fiction. Who we pretend to be on the outside a mere reflection who we always thought we would be. I always wanted the chance to be a mother and hopefully a wife it has made my life become oh so complacent in a way that at times drives me mad. Life can never be perfect. Sacrifices will always have to be made. You have to find the line where you can tolerate your surroundings because bliss is never guaranteed. As soon as happiness takes root it seems something catastrophic occurs. Maybe that is why it has become so easy to just ignore the inevitable and accept things the way they are.
We all have an opinion and usually it is one that contradicts our own. We look for validation from our friends and family and that usually never comes. Everybody wants to be a hero but we don’t understand the work behind the scenes it takes to get to be one. It’s not enough to show up at the end and try to bask in all the applause. It takes a lot of blood, sweat and tears. A lot of failing and falling and everything in between. More often we are alone in those moments when we need those the most. Not because there is nobody who wants to be there for us but because we don’t let them. The pride that comes with others thinking you have it all together is more important than allowing others watch you crumble to smithereens. You can never truly trust a friend into you have proof they have become a foe.
For now I have accepted the lifeless pulse of my marriage. I scream in silence because I know there aren’t many left who can help. Opinions have been voiced and care was expressed but it hard for anybody to understand your current circumstance. And truly why would anybody want to take the time to understand your point when they have no idea how to understand their own. Why ask for an opinion if you have no desire to implement change. It makes one sound wishy, washy or like the boy who cried wolf. Oh please listen to my woes of my loveless marriage but for the time being I will remain still. Taking up root in my current situation is necessary for so many reasons. Necessary? Required? Whatever it is that is burning a hole through my brain and smoldering my heart I am not ready to move. I have always been so quick to walk away from every situation in my life. I always thought the hardest work was walking away but maybe it was time to stand still. There is so much more at stake than there ever was. I hear the points, I feel the concern however, I am just not ready to say goodbye to the family life I always craved to be single once again.
It isn’t the fear of being alone. That is the one thing that jumpstarts my heart back into being. I think I thrive being on my own. The annoyance that comes when being micro-managed and made to feel inferior at every turn, ya I could live without that. But now I sit and embrace the family I always desired even if it feels like maybe the family doesn’t necessarily desire me. My biggest fear is missed opportunities that comes when living carefree. The meeting of somebody new. The possibility of maybe being loved for all that I am. All that I have become. Is it wrong to long for that day. That day that will never come.  To fall alone into the abyss of sorrow drowning in my misery or dare to see the silver lining.
From one of my favourite movies,
“Oh it can’t rain all the time.
The sky won’t fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
Your tears won’t fall forever.”
Tell me if you recognize the song that this movie came from. I would pause and replay certain scenes for so many reasons. If I kept on hitting rewind the characters don’t die. He doesn’t die. They are able to love and be happy free from their violent ending that brought about the storey to begin with. To think of my pain and to watch how they suffer trying to understand the torturous path that was thrust upon them. To long for revenge or to close their eyes and be free from those chains. Chains that bound them together for eternity to a time that none of this happened. There was no death before life as the storey tells. Their storey never got a chance to flourish like the seed growing inside of her. To see what the anguish of man is capable when they can only see red. To think that this very storey was the last one he got to tell before he met his pre determined destiny. To follow in thy fathers footsteps or to remain in the shadows never to dare to live a life less ordinary than the destiny you were given.