I close my eyes. I have to. The salt from my tears make them burn. How I wish I could close them forever. To stop seeing the perverse way we treat each other day after day after day. My nightmares are becoming quite common now. I refuse to write them down. I don’t want to remind myself of the evil that is bestowed upon me as I try to rest. Rest is nothing that comes easy to me. My whole essence being tarnished from all the wear. I feel invincible with sound. Muted as my screams ring from room to room. I longed to be noticed. To be heard. To be comforted. Told that it is only the veil of darkness that awakens such fears.
At times I feel like I am drowning. I reach up my hand and long for the touch of the fingers of someone who cares. I know we all have our time and our storey but right now I can’t help but feel like the final pages are being thrust upon me. Ever since these feelings have been flourishing inside me my sense have been heightened. I feel the crushing weight of the World squeeze the life out of all of us. Maybe it is time that this tale in time is put to rest just like those civilizations who came before us. The cultures that once rose to glory now rest underground. For the most part that is where their kingdoms lie. Until we as vultures and our grotesque need to micro analyze and put our special twist on things.
I maybe on of the cusp of something great or I just maybe on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Whatever the case. Whatever it maybe I am not scared. I am not scared to share this journey as it unfolds. My life has no meaning without having the storey being told. It doesn’t have to reach a million ears but hopefully maybe just one. Maybe somehow in the future I will stumble upon the pages and recognize these words as being written as common from me. Maybe it is not up to me to know in this life what my purpose is because maybe it is in the next life I will thrive.
So as I miss your fingers and the undertow threatens to take me I know that in this scenario I am not done yet. I am not over fighting for what I think is right. Whether it is madness or some other force of nature guiding me I feel the old exterior be shed. To be accepted as a lie or to be hated as being authentic. What makes your heart feel whole? What makes you bubble over with peace and happiness in ways you never thought you would understand? Is it hiding in the shadows of other’s ignorance and anger to scared to speak up? Or maybe is it ok to try and speak from your heart what you feel is right. I used to think it was ok to be ignorant. To turn a blind eye so my heart could be at peace. My heart though will never be at peace. Not as long as this life that has been thrust upon me lies dormant and unused.
There is so much hurt and anger in the World that we don’t need to add to any more. I think in all the ways that I have been lied to by a society I thought I trusted. To have the wool pull over my eyes and only see the light when I can see the error of another’s way. All of a sudden it made complete sense to me. Why sit there saying nothing and living depressed anyways if I could just speak my truth and be set free.
We all want to escape our reality at some point. Some of us get away. Some of us become imprisoned in our own minds. And some of us are just set free. We learn that the reality we live in has the potential to result in great harm. Not because of our own thoughts and beliefs but because there is a danger when these numbers get together and combine. We all know what it feels like when we are in a group. If we want to be accepted and deemed a hero that is when we are capable of doing unspeakable things. The World isn’t the way it is because of a few small incidents. This has been years and years of sweeping it under the rug. I see that as happening now.
For somebody who suffers from mental illness you can fixate on the things that nobody else sees. The more we insist that we are not to blame the more you can see just how much of the problem we truly are. A true heart never questions the intent of others nor do they cast doubt and point fingers. There is the truth and the truth that allows others to sleep at night. We all do it. Small lies, big lies. We have all told a few. To what some maybe be minor can be catastrophic to a few. I am the latter. Imagine after 4 years of marriage my husband just notices my compassionate side. He just asked me if maybe there is a chance that I felt things differently than most. Even now as these words come to my mind I am floored. I think anybody who knows me even a little knows that “I feel things” a little differently. I know that I am not normal when it comes to these feelings. I chose my small circle for a reason. I get caught up on the World emotions that I can’t have it teaming all around me. I will never turn my back on anybody ever. It’s a flaw. My whole family has tried to get me to change my ways so maybe life would hurt less. Understanding the emotions that come with the life chosen for me is one thing. Hoping and praying that maybe I can have a partner in life is another. Life and it’s twists and it’s bittersweet sorrow a journey worth fighting for don’t you think.