Shadows of Our Past

Time and the haunting way it mimics our fears, taunting our reality and permeating our dreams. To think in this moment and in just this moment makes no sense. It seems to be the only point in time that matters but the reality of it all is lost on the frantic mind. To think into the future will drive you insane. To fixate on the past will bring you full circle. Your mind dares to play tricks to try and get you forget the purpose of it all anyways. What is the purpose of it all anyways. We are born into a family that loves and cares for us in their own way and sometimes not at all. Then all of a sudden those that were only a mere thought until we willed them into being take their first breath in your presence then never again.

I often ponder the idea of what can make you fall out of love with your own child. Where some it seems that live will never fade others will trade it all for their own selfish game. Is it possible to love somebody more than you love yourself? Shouldn’t you love yourself more than any being that has ever walked this planet? And if you do have that amount of self love at what point do you start hating the being that you made. That being that grew inside you, that grew inside your parents, grandparents until we finally reach the start of time. Our lives are so intrinsically tied until one day an outside force comes and threatens to take it all away. Before life is granted to us we are all in the same place. The place of unknown wanton abandonment that threatens our very existence all the same. Why would somebody chose to stray so far away from the lives that granted them existence in the first place. The ego taking over the mind willing it away from what is true and taking them to a desolate field where depression and anxiety lie.

Our offspring’s become the shadows of the past that haunt us. To ignore their presence is like you cursed yourself all the same. Be weary of those that speak poorly of those that they don’t know. Their uneducated mind is incapable of seeing past their own nose. Their ignorance takes off like wildfire but can only go as far as the abandoned fields in front of them. People don’t like to keep company of those that speak of others. You know that they will extend the same courteous onto you. The only thing worse than those that gossip without fact are the ones that are quick to attack the elderly, disabled or even a small child.

Over the years I have had to witness the ignorance of those that believe they are entitled. They somehow have this misguided belief that their existence is the only on that matters. They do deplorable acts exclaiming it is justifiable because it has happened to them. Only their distorted vision of what actually happened is more like a well written prose than the facts that should have fueled it.  Sometimes I wish I was ignorant or at least blind. Like how I used to be. Ignorant to the facts of the reality around me and blind to the hate that is flowing rampant in the World.

Have you ever had to listen to the misguided facts of malice than the actual well thought facts. To listen to the ill words spoken of the dead when you know (and they do too) that there is nothing further from the truth. it is easy to speak poorly of the dead. They can’t speak back. No wonder why so many bad things happen. We have lined our pockets with so much hate and lies we can only attract more back tenfold.

I love history. I love the idea of history. There are the facts that will make your heart raw knowing that this is the life that so many had to endure. No matter where you go in history there is always so much pain fueled by hate. Jealousy, rage, hate is the backbone for every blockbuster movie. Even in the tales that are made for children there is always competition and good and evil. We will never get away from that rat race.

My favourite realm is when I dream. I escape there often. There in that time my life can be whatever I make it to be. All my family is still together and we all get along. There is no gossip or hate or one sided insults. It is how it used to be but I am who I am now. It’s complicated. To think that this reality makes me happy isn’t too far off. There will however be a few little tweaks here and there we wish we could fix along the way. There will also be those moments in time we wish never existed. The pain that was handed down to us. Somebody else’s anger. Again I wonder if there is anything that my son could do to make me not want him in my life. The way he looks at me for guidance and love fills my heart in a way that I never believed. I am definitely not who I was before. Something had to change.

The only for sure thing I can do to get through this moment is to live in this moment nowhere else. I wonder where I would be without the goals I have set out in front of me. The ones that make other people shake their head and ask why. For almost 1.5 years I have tried to be consistent, short of a few days here and there. I have had to modify my super long violin practices as my life has continue to evolve. I will leave you with this raw and honest thought. Sometimes in my deep melancholy I think of just ending it all. I never truly would but my curiosity is at times peaked. I feel this rage, depression, anxiety that bubbles from deep inside me. I know there is so much more to life but I have yet to understand what. This feeling of frustration began to erupt inside of me just this past weekend. Usually the first thing I try to do is take a deep breath and center my thinking. I usually say to the Universe that although this time in my life is tough I understand that it is just something I need to get through. I like to ask for a sign to give me hope and see me through. On Saturday as this feeling was looming around me I went to check on my critters (4 budgies and a skinny pig). Well wouldn’t you know that there were 3 little budgie eggs and my momma to be budgie was perched upon her babies to be. Staring at this miracle and the possibility of new life it grounded me again in just the way I needed it to be. The miracle of life and the opportunities that arise out of it will truly take your breath away.

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