Did you ever think what you would do with your life if you knew your time was about to end. Imagine hearing the tick of the clock every time that hand moves. Your thoughts will linger to the places that you dared not go…or maybe you did. In a continuous loop I ask myself if given the chance who would I want to become? It maybe PTSD or maybe it is nothing. But my mind dares to bend where it shouldn’t go and has given me a whole new perspective on life.
The way the World is now is alarming. Nobody knows friend from foe. There are those that stand like the statues that are being toppled trying to cling to a life that we had no business even being a part of. My head, my heart, my mind just really doesn’t want to partake anymore. As I walk down this unmarked dark path into the abyss I ask myself just how long can I hold my breath. How long do I dare sit here in conscious thought before I let the pain wash over me and take me down into it’s chasm. I still have this desire to feel the World around me no matter how painful it just maybe.
I wonder why we want to bring children into this World we created. Do you even remember who you were as a child? Were you always born with this much hate? What I had oiling up in me was never from a place of hate. What I came to embrace and know so well was this continuous pot of rage. Every which way around me humanity was failing, I was failing. I didn’t know who it was I was becoming. Every waking moment was filled with so much pain. At least I thought. It was my own version of pain that kept me up at night and made me sick to my stomach. It is nothing though compared to the healing the World needs so desperately.
The only positive I can see right now in what is happening is the clear distinction between ignorance and that fine line between hate. Everyday it feels like the same. I can’t imagine what our friends of colour have had to go through at our expense. Compassion is what is lacking in all this time spent trying to get to the top. We were told that the only thing in life worth reaching was fame and success. Without that what a waste. When I think the way we try to sugar coat the bits of information that fits our needs I can’t help but wonder why. We can bend and distort and facts to fit our needs but now I need to know why. Why is it so important to have that distinction. I am asking you yourself personally what makes it so that you want to fight? Don’t you think that every being no matter who they are, no matter what they are, no matter how small deserves their own version of life and how they interpret it. Imagine if I told you you could stop being an asshole and you would feel a million times better. Drop the arms that you think you need to keep up and let live. For every moment I think I can’t handle it anymore I am flooded with the thoughts I have that choice. I can pull the wool over my eyes and forget this is even happening or I can spend my last breath doing what is right. Just the idea that I have that choice makes me sick to my stomach. Imagine if you didn’t have that luxury! One minute you could have the biggest smile talking to the guy you like and game over. Some stranger deemed your life inferior to yours for no other reason than their shallow sense of entitlement.
My heart breaks whenever I hear somebody say something, anything that contradicts basic human compassion and love. To live amongst so many who just wash their hands of it all. I can promise you one thing I am not racist. I hate every race equally. I hate the label we need to put on a human being before we even get to know who they are on the inside. For the most part my guard is up until you prove to me otherwise. It is like a love/hate relationship with everybody that I meet. My first impression of you I am on the fence. Push me one way or another. The only thing I judge anybody on is who they are as a person and who their parents know them to be. It takes a lot for a parent to fall out of love with a child. If coming out of the gates their parents have their back up then you best be putting up yours too.
In the light of day I could just possibly fall in love with anybody. I love the way we have the power to make each other feel these incredible feelings of happiness and love. Above everything else that is what keeps me going. We have to have faith and we have to have hope that if we do the right things and if we live by our own truth then we have to live happy. I just hate the idea that somebody, anybody can push their thoughts and beliefs on anybody else. That is what scares me. Go ahead and ruin your own lives but stop taking others down with you. Let those that have so much potential realize it. Stop shutting humanity down from finally evolving. Our minds can’t bend beyond our own misconceptions of what we believe ourselves to be and what we preconceive others. I can’t help but gravitate towards Mother Nature and everything that she is. I find happiness in the silence and comfort in the pain that comes in itself in knowing that at least I have the choice to see the light again.