My brain is tired. Sore from the preconceived notions that have tainted it. Poisoned from my own ignorance and lack of compassion to those in my wake. We were always made to believe that we needed to be somebody, that we needed to do something, that there had to be a way to value our life. We are made to believe that so many variables make up an honourable man but these are all characteristics that can be obtained by acquiring wealth that it almost seems a little pretentious of us don’t you think. Let’s build these houses and building of mass structures that will take from our land and pollute our environment. They will operate at half occupancy or worse yet lay empty with only the power surging through it keeping it alive. What made us want bigger, badder when all we needed was always right in front of us anyways. Our dreams are never our own. They are handed down to us our worse yet beaten into us against our will. My brain hurts because there is no truth in our intentions anymore. How can we trust those that have left us astray. Those that could not lead by their own example. What is good enough for them we will just have to wait our whole lifetime for.
Hasn’t it felt like a whole life time has passed since we were told to self quarantine. In the days after that the World just lost it. There is no excuses to hide behind anymore. Our intentions are very clear. You can see the ones that desire a change from deep inside their bones. There are those that are clearly taking advantage of the situation. I saw a post just today were you can spend $200 and they provide you with all the necessary tools to riot with. Yes I get it. In the land of video games and on line persona’s we all need to pretend to be larger than we are. I get that. That is what stops anybody from taking this all seriously. There are people on all sides taking advantage of the situation. Just remind yourself of the couple that was selling $80 sanitizer. There are no denying some people are just awful. Ying and yang right. Good and evil. You can see the potential for long term damage when we lump people into groups. It would be me generalizing and saying ALL Black people steal, just like ALL rich white men or pedophiles and ALL Asians eat cats…Stereo types feed one purpose. To fuel our anger and perpetuate our hate.
Try to tell somebody to take a breath and look at the situation. I used to think that in the beginning white men traded for the land. They gave our Indigenous leaders alcohol and jewellery so I thought the trade was fair. Hate me for all the wrong reasons if that is what makes you feel better. I have since learned the error of my ways. Me, myself and I have decided to be accountable for my own ignorance and make moves towards living my own life free from my own ridicule and judgement. I don’t want to change anybody. I am for anybody who wants to live their life in their choosing. The stipulation though is they can’t force their opinion on others. To hide behind a religion and try to distort the words to fit your own needs is a clear abuse of power. Religion never felt right to me. I loved the idea but I hated that in order to be accepted and to feel loved we had to conform. The things that were done throughout history in the name of our saviour should shatter even the strongest Christian heart. I have a hard time believing that if Jesus was the man you said he was that he would turn anybody away. Oh you don’t have 20 wives…to hell with you. Oh you don’t have gleaming white skin….to hell with you. Oh you chose to love a man instead of a woman…to hell with you.
During this time it is hard to determine just who your friends are. There are so many ideas, thoughts and feelings that are coming at us you think it would be easier. When we are so consumed with popularity and being liked you can see the sugar coated way that some speak. I have no choice but to look around at the lives and how they are portrayed to me. The true intentions, the soft heart. The only analogy I can think of is that I am just like an onion. At first I have this rough exterior that needs to be shed away before you can get to the essence and flavour of what it is I have to offer. Layer after layer is peeled away as you work towards my inner most thoughts and workings that make me who I am. As you get closer to my center you can’t help but cry. You cry for no reason and for every reason at all. The onion being the very essence of every great dish that brings flavour to the World just like me. In small doses I can be enjoyed by anybody. But it is when I am fully embraced for all that I allow my true beauty to shine through.
There is a certain feeling that comes over you when you are exactly where you need to be. Whether it is lost in a moment or something transcendent of the pieces of you, you never thought you would find. I remember what it feels like to be adored for all that I am, was, will be and long for that feeling once again. Sometimes I believe that all I have to do is stand still and true love will find me. Like a beautiful nightmare whispered in my ears. So with all that has come to be in this life time and the next I rest my mind easy patiently awaiting what’s in store.