The Wrong Rook Pawn

Imagine being lost in your own ego you make every situation about you. Case and point my ex from over 10 years ago. The last straw was when he chose a night club over spending time to see me when my Grandfather passed. Yes he was sick for almost a decade but it still came across as a surprise.  I still remember where I was when I got the call. I was in Winner’s on 72nd when my Dad phoned. As the words reached me ear it was getting hit with a ton of bricks. I couldn’t breathe. The World in front of me was closing in and all I could think of was to run. Trying to run as fast as I could I wanted to try and leave it all behind me. When I finally came to I called my boyfriend who accused me of making it up because he had planned a night out with the boys. Imagine. Having drinks in the club and hitting on girls was more important than saying anything considerate to your girlfriend. I dumped him then and never looked back.

So now 10 years later. Long after he removed me from Facebook I get a message.  First off let me say when I first moved to the city he was my first friend. He gave me a lot of peace in my World when I wasn’t sure if I would ever have anybody. Being a small girl I got a lot of comfort just knowing that he was in the office down the hall.  Over time our relationship bloomed into what I thought would be the greatest love of my life.  Oddly that also came at a time when my Grandmother just passed. I do a lot of soul searching when somebody I love leaves me. I is the serenity my soul needs to help get back on track. Up until he accused me of lying about the death of my Grandfather I thought we would always be together. I couldn’t imagine living my life with somebody so self serving and conceited. Now here again he pops his head up like the Facebook police telling me not to repost a picture of the two of us because he likes to control what his face his tied too. So is it control or do you just not like the idea of my face being seen beside yours? And which one of your “friends” is on my friends list because I would just like to have them removed.

So what does that mean about the intellectual property left after a break up? Are we supposed to delete all memories like they never mattered. Like that time in my life never happened.  I remember thinking when I rolled out of bed this morning that I was going to make myself a great day now I am left wondering why after all these years he is still ashamed of me. I have a scrapbook I kept over all these years ago (14 to be exact) should I burn that too.  To think that somewhere deep in the corners of my heart I still feel love for that man I now can’t help but feel ashamed. Was I always just the joke in our relationship? Now that I look back it seems to me maybe that was just the case. I was always the one to spend lavishly while he scrimped and saved every penny. One can’t help but feel a little resentment at the photos of your new place with your new girlfriend with all the Louis Vuitton under the tree. It should never be about gifts but I know I tried to spoil you. When you wanted an XBOX I got you one for Christmas. What you told me was that your company was enough. When I took you to the Caribbean for your birthday I got a laptop bag for mine. Now once again you have come to me demanding me to take down a photo of a happy time in my life because of what? Your shame over me?

In some ways I feel validated in the choice I made that Spring. Yes it was the start of my own demise but finally being able to release myself from under his control was worth the spiral I had found myself in. In his presence I always felt more like washed up trash. More so when he accused me of lying. I can’t help but recall another time when this occurred. I was getting my nails done for one of my contests. As I came within a block of my apartment I noticed that there must have been every fire truck in the area there and you can see the flames escaping from the top of the building. I was manic. My two cats were inside and I couldn’t help but scream. Two firemen had to restrain me as I tried to make it to them. They asked me if I had anywhere to go so I called my boyfriend. Once again he was out drinking at a pub with his buddies and accused me of making up lies. I sat in the parking lot with my newly talon fingers and cried. I wanted to break up with him then.

I can’t tell you when the phone calls started but probably around the time the first news broadcast aired in the morning. The amount of I am sorry’s and I love you’s that came out of that man’s mouth would have indicated to anyone that he understood the severity of his accusations. The roses he gave me also helped a lot too. I guess above all it just hurts knowing that the only message I get after 10 years is for me to take down all the pictures we had together because he needs to control who is face his beside. Even in all the ways he let me down and disappointed me I still had love for the guy and a time in my life when I was carefree and happy. I guess it just goes to show that at the end of the day we are all just pawns in a sick twisted game that once we serve no purpose we are either tossed out or forgotten about until the need arises again.

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