For as long as I can remember I have been told by somebody what to do. Everybody has an opinion that they feel is more valuable than your own. The idea that maybe you know how to release your secret potential is foreign for so many. We weren’t raised that way. We were raised in such a way to conform to the standards imposed on us by who? The simplest example is the idea of bed time. Having to be asleep by a certain hour to be somewhat productive during the day like we aren’t capable of having our own thoughts or emotions. The idea of lost sleep should be our and ours alone without having to hear the frustrated screams of those we keep awake. Is there such a thing as a 9 to 5 now or are we all just these drones that society has made us into being?
When was the last time you felt truly free to embrace all that you are. Short of the obligatory eye rolls and exasperated gasps as you walk into the room when was the last time you were confident to live in your own image. Free of judgement, prying eyes or ridicule. Maybe that is just the way it is always going to be when you have the courage to walk down a different path wearing your favourite dress and heaven forbid a pair of stilettos. It still dumbfounds me to think that there are people who think that taking a little care, no matter what that looks like to you, means you have an over inflated ego or self worth. My love for make-up has nothing to do with thinking I am beautiful. It comes from using my face as a work of art. I love to match my shadows and lips with my outfits. It is just who I am. I even have a love for setting my hair and watching it transform into something straight out of a Hollywood movie.
In such a volatile time we are told to pick a side. We are either for or against but it also depends on which way you are looking in. I am confused. My heart and my head hurt like nails being pounded into boards. Everything you say falls on deaf ears. Everything you are falls upon blind eyes. Your legs are tired but you know that it is only the beginning. I don’t have a side. I am human. My life should be mine and mine alone. No outside opinions should shame us into thinking otherwise. I have hated forever the idea of racism, hate and bigotry. My heart bleeds when I turn on the news and hear the horrors that have now become so common place. To live in this world or to try and design my own. All the eye rolls in the world can’t stop me now from becoming who I truly want to be. I am not drive by sex, power or fame. I am driven by trying to live my life in the highest honour. As a symbol to those that gave me life both in this lifetime in the next. For every being that I get the pleasure of knowing. I hear you. I feel you. And with me your presence will always be validated. When you are with me I promise you, you will be the most important person in the room. Tell me your life tale and let me learn from you. I promise in turn I will do all that I can to make sure that your storey resonates off the halls of all that is to come. It is ok to be scared. I was scared too. Now in it’s place is this drive to shine as much as I can be to my true authentic self. I know one day when the next chapter begins this will all make sense. Until then I will use the pure love to guide me. The love that gave me life and family.
I think about when we compliment it is so very much just something superficial. With no context of character that is all we can base our opinion on. The positive connection that courses between the two that occurs with just a small turn of the lips and maybe a how do you do that should be what guides us. Look for the mannerisms and habits of those that remind us of when we were happiest. The greatest compliment I have ever received up to this day was when I was told I reminded somebody of their Grandma. What an incredible honour to be regarded so high. To me that means far more than any compliment that anybody could ever receive. I love that their is a feeling of safety from me when you are in my presence. I try to be as courteous and polite as possible while using my voice. throughout the day I always ask myself if I were to die today would I be proud of how I acted or would I hold my head down in shame. Emotions and anger always want to turn us against ourselves. By making us into somebody that we hardly recognize and are embarrassed to admit we are. We have to be tested on a more regular basis. We spend less and less time trying to strengthen our character and more time trying to destroy those in the company we keep.
I think about how my Father tried to dangle his love in front of my nose like a carrot. Trying to shame me into becoming somebody they wanted me to be. I wonder what it would have been like to be accepted and loved by my father. Would I still be the person that I becoming into being. My desire to change and see the world differently started the day my son was born. I never want him to have to feel the way I felt when I was rejected. To hear the lies told between a man you used to love and his new family still turns my stomach. To think that somebody has formed an opinion of me and uses it against me when that girl doesn’t exist anymore. Before you can form a true opinion of somebody you need more than just walking a mile in their shoes. You need to have some deep heartfelt conversations stemming out of a mutual respect and not this castle and moat routine where I am so far superior than you. I am superior to nobody. I still sent my Dad a Father’s Day note because for the 18 years he was in my life he did raise me with good values (or so I thought). It is hard to know truly how to feel when somebody tries to distort your own self image. Nobody not even family is it the right thing to do.