The Unspeakable Pain

During some deep, dark soul searching I had to ask myself am I a racist? Do I judge others based on the colour of the skin and the origin of their heritage. Do I perceive people differently because of their appearance. Was I more likely to befriend the one who was dressed in reasonably labeled clothes or would I gravitate towards the one that seem to need my friendship more than I needed theirs? Truth be told I don’t have that many close friends.  Quite often I get ridiculed and teased for this fact but it has always been easier to close myself in then try to reach anybody with a similar mindset as mine. I think about anything and everything a tortured mind dares to go.

So do I speak to be heard or do I wait and absorb it all in. Seems impractical to want to dance in the spotlight when it really makes no difference to me. The validation that comes from being the most popular in the room never appealed to me. All I desired was just one. So as I search my soul in order to fully understand who it is I am still yet to become I ask myself all the hard questions. It is impossible for me to I think. I love the diversity of all colours. To the beautiful caramels and chocolates in all tones to the yellows and reds that help remind us of who we used to be and where we came from. I don’t hate people for what they are. Even hate is such a strong word but if I had to chose a word it is the only one that seems to fit. I hate who people have allowed themselves to become while trying to justify it in their own heads.  I feel some of us are just sugar coating the reality of what it is to like to live in this time.

How is it that basic human rights are even up for debate anyways? The newest memes circulating around is the one of the Asian baby asking us if we blame her for Pearl Harbour. That is what the majority of the World thinks this is about. We still have our head in the clouds thinking that what some are fighting for is an apology or retribution for what is in the past. All I hear though is the demands for real equality where we all stand as one. Where we are all equal. For centuries there was this hierarchy of ranks of people. Maybe the only true way to rank anyone is through their IQ. I hate everybody equally until they prove their character otherwise. There is no distinguishing between a man of value and a man of hate until you observe them for a time. People’s true characteristics make an appearance eventually if only so slight.

My race I find to be the most deplorable. The things that we have done while hiding behind our religion or our over inflated ego’s. There is no time that seems like it would have been ideal in which to live. Every time period throughout history has done, will do and is doing the most disgusting things to each other. Imagine a World where the richest of the rich do the most vile acts the human mind can conceive. We are all their puppets until we take back our power. Just imagine the character that a leader must have to deem any living thing not worthy enough to live. To somehow believe that your life should be valued above. What kind of person would want to rule like that? The greatest of leaders have always desired to walk by our side or even some would say behind so they can pick you up if your stumble.

So am I a racist or do I value my life higher than any race, species, or being? I love my colours and I love the way we all intertwine like magic on a blissful summer’s day. To live an existence free of fear no matter how you take your breaths in. It’s disgusting really when you think of it.  All those lives wasted to inflate another’s ego. There is nothing more tragic than that. When half the heart dies the other half breaks. Shattered into a million little pieces that will never find there way back together. That is who we are. Shatters of all the others. Inconsolable pieces that will never be whole. I long for a different ending. If only there was a way to start again. No more fear, no more shadows. No more games of self righteous entitlement that will never see a victor.  Those that die with their secrets will be reborn with their sins. Without repentance there will no longer come the light of day.

Who are we but the unfortunate sinner bound to repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again. It is hard to believe that I feel I may have touched on a time that never felt like this. A time before sin ruled the Earth and our brothers and sisters walked hand in hand. That was only a time that my childhood mind made up/ Kept me going when I had lost all faith. The violence that I encountered only seem to reassure my pain. Don’t trust those lurking in the shadows unless they held out a warm open hand. The hand that pulls you in to their embrace smothering you with their stench. As I walk through the valley of the shadows of death I can’t tell if I should recoil in horror or finally take my last breath. I want to die in the presence of all this pain. I hate who we have all become in the light of day. The secrets we share. Even worse the ones we don’t. To hide in the shadows or to live free out in the rain. I want to be scared of the pain that will be handed down on me but that pain is already real. That pain already courses through me. All I want to know is why did we veer so far off course when it seemed to be so easy. Live and let love in peace and in harmony. Never impose onto those feeling of indifference or worse yet hate. In the course of a day if there is something that you don’t like it is far easier to turn away then to hold your head down in spite.


4 Comments Add yours

  1. No, you are not a racist but so many people are wanting to play victim that they are reaching and grasping for straws, like that meme with the Japanese child. My own school frenemy, who used I was cool cause I was not like “those Mexicans” I didn’t speak Spanish or have an accent. She also used to make fun of my weight and my clothes but that is a whole other story. Anyhow, she posted on FB last night that she has been the victim of “reverse racism” her whole life and then added “probably because I am so darn cute” or something like that. Que sara sara to that 40 year friendship. Peace and be well, Thank you for posting.


    1. The idea that some of us cloud over the real issues like it just might go away. I am so tired of who we allowed ourselves to be dictated to be. All I want is true equality 💙 Thank you for sharing with me 💙 I truly appreciate you 💙

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I just makes me sad. I just woke up hoping I could sleep it away and it is all there still. Luckily there are more people in the world like you and me that want change and equality for all humans. Be safe and well. 🙂


  2. You as well 💙 we can feel comfort in each other 💙


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