The Biggest Sin of All

Sometimes not knowing the direction you are going can actually save you in a lot of ways. My fear of commitment kept me from tying myself to anybody for too long. Yes I long for companionship but sometimes I wonder if maybe we allowed somebody else’s dictation determine how we value our own self worth. What quarantining has taught me is that I have long since started dressing for myself. Don’t we all you might say. For me I look at the day as being able to portray a feeling, a memory. Maybe a space in time that I felt most free. In this way I am happy and graceful and reminded to appreciate the small moments as if they were the most important moments in the World to me. As they should be.

People come into our lives in the exact moment that they are needed. If we try to mold and shape them to conform to a specific ideology it is no wonder one would fail.  Take my husband for example. I had spent many a nights longing for a companion. Somebody in life to share some of the burden that comes through no fault of our own. Somebody that was going to be there no matter what and who wasn’t a fly by the seat of their pants kind of guy. I still had these dreams of having a family even though my clock was ticking so loud. Our time together was always very short before we committed to each other but I have always believed that if for whatever reason we were able to conceive and bring a child into this World then we did owe it to ourselves to give each other a fair shot. At least that is how I felt.

Given everything that is going on in the World right now it is nice knowing that at least I have somebody on my side. No relationship is perfect. What you have to find is the one that you are willing to weather the good times with. More to that you also have to consider the family that comes when uniting all together. At least that is what is important to me. It doesn’t matter so much what others think I suppose as long as we know where we both stand. I couldn’t imagine explaining my life’s journey over again with somebody new. Or missing out on the bond that comes with being a family. I am not ignorant to the fact that there are some blaring holes going on but what seems like a potential crisis is entirely minuscule when you considering where the rest of the World sits with their turmoil.

I have come to realize also that you don’t need the obligatory other half to make yourself hole. Even though I am married I work very hard on being somebody I enjoy when there is nobody else in the room. My goals that I have woven into every day only make sense to just me. I have this unwritten list of things I like to accomplish during my day. Some things are must have’s and some are hopefully there is time but I always try to improve on who I was from yesterday.  Who I portray myself to the World is very important to me. There is a lot of talk around vintage appearance and not vintage values. I think we are missing the point entirely. What I love about the vintage era, which includes the fashion, but that feeling of togetherness. I don’t mean that tight ignorant hold we had ono segregation. That I can live without. Just imagine a World where we embraced the rainbow at gatherings instead of the fire of furry we see out on the streets.

I am humble in the sense that I don’t value my life ahead of any other being. As soon as we take our first breath we should all be granted the same rights. We should be able to live in World free of ridicule and torture. We shouldn’t have to live in fear that our children will be stolen from us and given to the highest bidding predator.  We shouldn’t have emotionally charged tyrants in control of all of our futures. Their fortunes only exist because they were stolen long ago. From simple people like us. We were all mislead. WE were all lied to. The only thing that we have left is the love we should have for each other in our hearts. How does life ever go back to being normal when over half of the World lives in fear. You have to dig deep and really feel what others have felt before you. You will never know what it feels like to die of starvation or wait to be gassed in a chamber. Do you know how many millions of beings do and still do. This goes further then the torment that we hand down on each other. It is interwoven into every little thing that we chose to pollute and destroy. Ask yourself at the end of it all what was the point?

I still have the luxury of choosing to sit in my house or to rise up and speak. I know there is a problem. A HUGE problem but I am uncertain on how to get involved. It isn’t that I am scared to stand up for what is right. Believe it or not I have a fear of being around new groups. I get insanely shy. Seems odd doesn’t it because I travel for pageants but my reality is it is a lot easier to stand on stage trying to convince the World I am confident then standing up for basic human rights.  So my character the person I want to be remembered for is doing what was right for ALL beings. It isn’t enough to be a vegetarian because of my love for animals. Nor is it ok to divulge myself in the life of others to ease the pain in my heart. I have reached out to the RAAR (rural Alberta against racism) group here as I am at a loss other than showing up at a rally what else I can do. I know I should attend at least one. So bubble be damn that is my next goal. To burst out of my bubble and take a firm stance along my fellow humans. I am here and I am listening I promise I will show up. In my attempt to avoid all negativity and bad feelings I am not honouring the struggle and lives lost.  All lives matter too me and actions speak louder than words. I need to show up and be the strength they need because way too many people are living in fear these days and that to me is the biggest sin of all.

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