The one thing I think about alot is if I could tell my younger self anything what would it be. If I somehow had the power to stop anything from happening would I? Or would I just let it all be. Think about the butterfly effect and the ripple. If one thing ceased to exist what would I have to sacrifice. What is it that I would lose? Every little thing that has happened has nudged me in this direction. And holding that lil boy in my arms and seeing that lil cheeky smile there is nothing or nobody who can make me feel anything other than happiness again.
I am in love with my life now and all the blessings that have come my way. You truly do have to give yourself up to the process in order to get it’s full benefits. Yes there was times over the more recent years I have felt like I was going to implode. Wouldn’t you? As a family in such a short time we have gine through so much. Looking at it now I felt the walls caving in. I was desperate for anybody, anybody at all to notice me. But maybe those weren’t so much walls being built but being caved in.
In the darkest chasms of your mind you can believe in anything. But deep pitted thoughts serve no real purpose. Just like a lover’s lair that lays vacant. Sometimes it is the threat of losing it all that truly opens your eyes.
Think of how much there is to learn in order to grow. To stay a simple minded person stuck in the regular race of rats or maybe you are just a mere pigeon carrier of lost thoughts. The pigheaded let their true colours fly as they roll around in mud covered in their own lies. So with all that said how do we feed our souls? How do we nurture our hearts?
Everything you have always been told has been one big lie. Look at what is happening! Stop and open up your eyes! We are being pitted against each other so they have time to cover up their lies. Think of every missing child that has been stolen while on vacation with no body to be found. Passports get signed. We write down our hotel address or home address. We hand over our children to a government designed to protect them who can’t even wade through all their lies! What is wrong with the World when we have been brain washed to protect the wrong people. Pedophiles roam free. They steal our children making a mockery of us this whole time.
But that is my mature mind running a little wild and free. Too much free time these days with very little conversations over tea. Too easy to fall down the rabbit hole and see the things that other’s can’t see. There is so much trash about everything these days and we all take things way too seriously. Standing tall in our convictions like we don’t give a damn to the alternatives. Veering left when we should have veered right.
I wish I could have told myself that in the end most things don’t matter. That the biggest regret you will have in life is the way you see yourself. That you truly will never fill everybody’s mold but you are the only body that matters. To deny the things that light your heart and set your soul on fire will be the biggest tragedy. To learn to sing in the rain no matter who is watching and dance like you will never forget the steps. To recognize that life hurts but it is the same for everyone so why make it that much harder.
Yes of course I want people to like me but most of all I want to like myself. I could pull the wool over my eyes and look the other way when it comes to doing in my heart what I know is right. Rather than get involvec with the tit for tat I slowly just fade away. For it’s not your oblivion I am scared of getting lost in, it is that of my own. To become less than happy in my own image and my own thoughts would surely drive me insane.
To my younger self who was scared of falling and never finding her way back up. It is ok I got you now. You were and always be loved and safe with me.