Is it just me or do we all need to gravitate towards who we once were. And not just anybody. The person that we were before the World taught us not to smile, how not to be happy. We were told from such a young age that you better grow up to be somebody and not just anybody somebody big. The livelihood of so many was spent trying to provide for the family they were yet to meet. Sacrificing their youth, their being, their sense of all real joy and happiness and made to believe that this is what success looks like. Success is trips and large houses and oodles of friends. Maybe we have become the biggest cult of all. Determined to never be happy.

Tell me what you remember from being a child. We all say we wish we could be young again with no responsibility, no bills. We all need food. We all need shelter. So tell me how it is that some of the happiest people are the simplest people and in turn the live a higher quality of life than we ever will. They are humble in reserve that they don’t know what is coming next. They stop thinking about the future and focus on the present. Am I hungry? What can I eat? Is the weather turning? Where could I go? None of this robbing Peter to Paul although. They don’t have to devise a 2, 5 or even 10 year plan. They live in the moment unless the past catches up to them. Liquor and drugs came to numb the senses so we can forget who it is we have become.

Childhood dreams is what we remember from out time spent before. Where we gravitate towards naturally is something we should never ignore. From as young as I can remember I loved animals. I mean LOVED them. They were always a sense of calm for me. I loved the unconditional love that came out of just a mutual respect in understanding. At least isn’t that what love is without a voice? I remember thinking they were my teddy bears came to life. Nothing makes me smile more than being able to love and feel love from an animal in need. Case and point the lil budgie that I am now feeding. I am excited to see what kind of bond will evolve out of the nature of our relationship. I love this feeling. I am tired and weary and at times so scared. Trying to remind myself to breathe and let go I keep reminding myself that nature and life will find a way. That if he Is meant to be a part of my life he will. If not it was a lesson. One that will be hard to bare but isn’t that what lessons are for? Isn’t that why there is so much pain to turn us into diamonds returned to the night sky?

My mind won’t allow me to think that there is nothing to life after this. Life as we know it ceases to exist but how can who we are just disappear? There has to be consequences for our actions or that mean evil truly wins. It doesn’t make sense why some live these long incredible lives and other’s don’t even get the chance to breathe. Where is that valuation that is seeded into our DNA? Why is our DNA so vast and complex? Does it have the key to the past the secrets we have been dying for?

What I loved about being a child was growing up with family. Growing up in a vast patch of nature with tons of animals, family and friends. The idea that in time none of us will no longer exist makes me run cold. Think maybe in 100 years (less if the World keeps going) there will be no more connections to me here on Earth. Just the trial of DNA handed down from family member to family member until there is nobody left to catch it. We can live without limbs, without, feelings, without sight. What we can’t live with though is when our mind starts to turn. Almost like it turns on ourselves and our essence is somewhere else. Maybe it is happening more because modern medicine keeps us here long past the time that we were meant to be. Once your body is of no more use yet your body keeps on ticking your brain can’t go on so this charade sets in. Black and white and sometimes in colour. The characters always change and you forget the hand gestures. What is it that we are avoiding by continuing to prolong our lives.

We all have these choices that we can indulge our senses in on any given day. I used to love reality shows so much that it became all of who I was. Now I can’t even watching the promo’s because even I know life isn’t really like that.  Back then it was a lot easier to think that I belonged to their lives instead of mine. Like we were instant best friends. Did you ever hate your own company so much that you are begging others to spend time with you. Going through the rolodex of your life to see who you can tolerate in a small dose if any dose at all. The greatest gift I ever gave myself was a recommitment of self. I needed to teach myself all over again like the pain in the past never happened. Forgive  yourself for your sins and you will be forgiven. How can you keep beating yourself up over choices that were made so long ago. Those choices made then, maybe not so much now. Or the choices that were forced upon you? us? me?

We all have a storey that is what the past in fact is. Tales were once somebody’s life before they were talked about and handed down. Yes most of them were told over a whole lot of mead and who knows what else. But there was a desire to connect with other’s in a way that had to sustain the hand of time. I say hand because there can only be one. We only go forward and there is no way we can go back. Once the moment is gone it is lost maybe lost forever. It is up to you what stories you tell.