My Sunny lost his life today. Before you go on thinking let me remind you he was my baby budgie. Born three days ago and rejected by his mother. The presence of death threatens to infect all in it’s wake. Making those left behind wonder if there was something more that could have been done. Thinking to when I shut that door…He didn’t last much longer after that. There is no true way of knowing if it wasn’t something I did. Even if it was I can’t change it. Trust me I tried. I held him in my hands and let my salty tears wash over him. I few times I thought I saw him move. I decided that he somehow froze to death and that if only I breathed my warm breath of life at me he would warm up and start chirping back. I really do think that I messed up at some point. This fact scares me to death. What if they lay eggs again and she abandons the next nest. There is the learning curve that I am unsure of. I noticed that his digestion had begin to slow. Almost like a bloating was taking over. Maybe this is the sign of too much food like was warned to me the day before.
I was ready for that. I was watching for that but what made me question my instincts was the heat lamp. He seemed to love being warm. Loved loved loved it. I went against my gut and turned it off. I though maybe he was being cookehd so I shut it off. I check on him every two hours. The first time I checked on him I turned the light back on he was so cold. He seemed to thrive throughout the day. The formula I was feeding him began to crust on him under the light. I don’t know why I did it. I was so tired. Three days of feedings. That’s why I was going live I needed some sort of sanity even if it was borrowed from somebody by going live. I lovingly washed him till there was no more formula on him. I turned off his heat lamp. I turned off the lights and I went back to bed.
I remember being woken by my husband asking when it was the last time that I fed him. It felt like I had just gone to bed. And in fact it was. I don’t know if the formula got in his lungs or he became to cold. But around 5:15 just after the 4:30 feeding that was the last time Sunny was alive. I can say this with almost certainty. The birds went crazy at that time and there is no way that they would possibility. Unless of course they felt his presence leave the room.
Animals will always have that keen seventh sense. They feel in ways that we can’t comprehend because we have become to desensitized to our materialistic wants. I have to remind myself especially right than that life has a way of happening whether we want them to or not. This is the second time we have had eggs laid in this house. The first time a bird has hatched. With the knowledge that we have now if that is something that is meant to be than love and nature will find a way.
I held him in my hand one last time and cried. I do feel guilty for what his life could have been. I remember at one point thinking that he didn’t want to be my friend so bad that dying was the better option. Whatever the reasons for his journey being cut short they are not up to me. I can be sad for the what could have been or I could appreciate for what was. To witness the will to live right in the palm of my hands. That is an experience that will resonate throughout me. I am trying not to fixate on the feeling of how he was. He used to nibble on my finger when he wants looking for food and he would wag his lil tongue. I fell in love with that guy in the instant I laid eyes on him that was why I was doing everything to have him survive. He would crawl towards me at the sound of my mine. I hate to envision of what could have been because those threaten tears I can not stop.
I witnessed life and I held onto death all in the matter of a week. We all want to make deals like our words might somehow make a difference. Trust me I did. There were so many things I promised to do if only he would take a breath. Maybe I just caught him drifting off, maybe I could stop him. Whispering promises of my friendship didn’t work was there anything else that could help. Because of the wee hours of the morning I told myself that I was allowed to grieve until my son got up because my Sunny at least deserved that. Even now my 2 hour alarm goes off to check on him. At times I can still here him chirp.
Anybody who has come into my life and guided me in some way and showed me love I like to honour them. I frequent the gravesides of lost family and friends just to smile and remember them. As I showed the lovebirds their chick to try and get them to understand (I wanted to give them that no matter what anybody thinks. Respect life as it is given. If only for a chance). I told her as I left the room I would bring her chick back to her. It was the least I can do. Maybe there is a reason why they decided to attack the next. Mother instinct knows best. Maybe I just prolonged he inevitable. Out of respect for his life though I am going to have him cremated and blown into glass so he can be returned to his parents once more. We are nobody without love and compassion the fate of the World relies on this. Loving Sunny taught me this in a mere 72 hours. In 72 hours your life can change. In fact the first breath you took could be your last only mother nature truly knows.