It doesn’t matter where you are. I will always find you and meet you halfway. I don’t even need to know you but I know of you my soul and heart assure me of that. Some people ask how it is I can be at peace with the relationship that I am in. For now there is so much love that surrounds us it seems to be the glue that keeps us together. How could so much feelings of happiness be shaded by something so absolute and hollow.
Love and the intrinsic way we tempt our heart to believe it doesn’t exist. True love. The love that Shakespeare used to write about. The love that would divide nation’s and brink countries to it’s knees. The type of love that was actually worth dying for. It isn’t that death was the result. It was finding once again that piece of you that completed no matter the cost and expense. We have numbed our senses with alcohol and heightened them with drugs. We aren’t even shells anymore because we break under any weight. Not only have we been accustomed to getting more for less money, we do that in the way we pick our mates, or foes and especially with those we date.
Ever try to convince yourself you have values but you lower them out of fear and panic of being alone? The most I could handle was a month of annoyance but until I got married I was lucky to get passed the first date. Lies are so fluent amongst everybody’s lips. Can I ask what is a bigger turnoff then bad hygiene, ex bashing or heaven forbid common decency and manners. Speaking of which. I will never forget a date a had with a cop. In my head I knew he was a slimeball because he was interviewing me over an assault that happened at work. Assault isn’t even the right word. We had a guy who was constantly calling the front desk and masterbating at 5 AM in the morning. I know some people. He offered to drop of this book called The Gift. I encourage everybody to read it. In fact I have only gotten half of the way. What I noticed is both his police vehicle and his personal vehicle were always parked in front of my house. At least I thought.
Anyways in the desperate, I am getting old and I am scared of always being alone I agreed to go on a date with this guy. Please don’t judge we have all done dumb things. This is one of them. I can’t remember where we went first but they specialized in dark beer. We sat crammed against the wall in a very loud booth. I kid you not the first thing he said to me was look at all the N****** in this place. Are you kidding me right now? Just because you are in plain clothes doesn’t give you the right to be an a******. Listen to his tales of how he got suspended for what his wife called domestic assault, that is why he is divorced you know. The showing of his daughters. There was something douchey and slimey about this guy. His reeked of this entitlement and privilege that just made me skin crawl. Not to mention we had several beers then drove to another bar for a few more because he was clearly trying to get me drunk.
Here is my thing. No matter how broken I appear to be I am never desperate. I have the hugest heart that gets me into trouble. Not because I finally give in and lie flat in my back. Just some situations are out of our hands. Those ones are the worst. If I have learned anything from these experiences is you don’t have to dilute your value with mediocre. What is meant to find you will. If you have a huge yard filled with waste and rumble though it might take them a lifetime to get through.
I know it is hard to wait for something that feels so good. Nothing feels as good though as being with the one. Waiting for that right moment in time will be cataclysmic but heaven sent so divine. My body bubbles over like a French Champagne getting ready to be poured. In those moments I know there is something even greater upon the horizon, something even I have yet to dream up. In the down time while I wait it seems so obvious. While I patiently await for my little slice of heaven here on Earth I can use the time to reintroduce myself to the World and most importantly to myself. It is not enough to just do good things but I must in fact feel all the good deeds that are to become.
If my life becomes a dream and by me living another’s nightmare whose fault is that. Would it be fine for finally becoming what I was destined to be or theirs for not focusing on their own? You can lead a horse to water or you can let the stallion run free. We have one chance at pure happiness and it comes in so many forms. We like to focus on the negativity and the heartbreak because that is what the majority of us have in common. Ask me what it feels like to live in a house surrounded with so many little beings and I will tell you it is heaven on Earth. If every little girls dream is to grow up and marry a man just like her Dad and have babies and take care of the house. Well I did that too. To sit and fixate on what I do not have would be insanity because there are so many with so much less. I guess that is why I reach out to share my storey. Kind of like a rise from the ashes kind of hope. In times of uncertainty I am certain. That there is no better feeling than appreciating the simplicity of life giving and taking the time to help other’s in finding the same.