There is nothing more I can say to try and get the rest of the World to wake up. We sit here in our own stupefied stupors trying to justify our own thoughts of being. I can’t help to feel a certain way when my husband says that what I want to do in a day is a ridiculous. He says the videos I make and edit and dressing up to feel good is just something that doesn’t need to be done everyday. I feel that this is as much a part of me as anybody else who wears a top bun, sweats and flip flops to the stores. I would rather live my life loving the way I feel then feel like I was to embarrassing for some to shine.
My lifeline is my home. I call it such because I have made it such. I have committed my life, time and heart to all the beings in my care. That means noticing their little idiosyncrasies and the things that make each tick. It means trying to find the time in each day effectively to meet each of their needs. It is a HUGE responsibility if you look up on their lives the way I do. I value their presence just as much as I value my own. Make yourself enjoy your own company right? Resonate from within? If my credo is to be the girl I was before the World took away my smile, why all of a sudden would I hand that right over to my husband who loves to leech it from my soul.
I have been chastised, criticized and condemned for my truths. The difference though that for each and every night I get to fall asleep I do it free of any ill conscious of guilt. I know what it feels like to be betrayed by those you once trust. Respect is earned. Loyalty is learned. Love is unconditional. To deny one love is to deny yourself love, you only have to take a walk outside to see that. It is crazy to think that one of the simplest of self care’s for me and my pup is for just the two of us to get out and enjoy the fresh air. It is a struggle for my husband to grasp that. With my toddler not napping it is almost impossible to find the time to do the things I love to do that make my husband a little irate.
I can’t deny the fact that I feel kike I have wasted twenty years down a rabbit hole that I feel so lucky to be out of. But just like in real every season has it’s purpose and only some of us like to stand in the rain. I like to stand out their briefly to see the new life that is springing. There is nothing like the smell of renewal, rebirth and second chances that the season change likes to embrace. I want to embrace my life with open arms and experience all the dreams that made me feel alive. My life is busy and I am occupied but I am strong in my reserve that I need to keep working on myself and my strength and my will to survival. The season’s are changing but unlike before the dawn threatens to prevent the rebirth of the new.
As we walked around the beautiful bark that resides just minutes from my house I began to see life in an all new perspective. Where I saw the lush green grass and sparks of colour of blue and a yellow so bright I had to smile I saw all the stages of life. The young, the old, the right in the middle the all sparks of life anew. Both lived and outlived waiting to die to be returned so they can begin the cycle once more. From a seed like you and me. Think about that. Each and every speck of life has started from a single seed. Divided into cells and more until it creates something create. A million cells working together. How is it we have perverted it into being something grotesque? I wish we could see the great in the people who are built in the same light as those who seek serenity and peace. It isn’t a colour thing. It is a soul thing and which frequencies unite together. You can’t hear that if all you hear is high pitched terror and murder in the streets.
People outgrow people and seasons will always change. Inevitable events happen just as quicksand eats those who find themselves in their grasp. I feel I know that I am sinking I am just hoping to catch the right branch out. Now is not the right time to try and initiate a miracle. I know it will happen. I have faith. Greater things have happened. Worse things as well. The only sin I see is in not appreciating the miracle. The miracles of life that appear in front of our eyes in any given moment. I know who to ignore and who my heart beats for. When you recognize the sound you can’t help but smile. There are always a little bit of rain that you sometimes find yourself in. You can dance in the rain until your feet get cold but then you have to have enough sense to come in out of the cold and enough sense to appreciate the silver lining when it comes.
I can’t help appreciate the journey I have taken this far and those that have held on tight along the way. Some I have found like in a beautiful dream behind the rocks in the brook in the meadow right before the lily pad with the turtle but not before the frog. My life tells me not to stop believing in fairy tales and that one day my prince my find me. I know he is out there still my heart feels him. My soul on fire will light like a beacon and help him make his way to me.