To Sparkle or To Fade

Our reality is as human we probably have been treated pretty bad by somebody we care about. The type of treatment that leaves a hole in your heart with scars trying to recover what you lost. We torture ourselves with reliving the pain of what ripped us apart on continuous repeat. Sometimes we laugh that we survived and sometimes we cry. I knew along time ago that those demons I loved to dance with I would have to soon let go of. You can’t expect to be a loving mentor and role model if you keep up the charade. Maybe it is not so much of the game that entangles you but the fear of not knowing what normal could feel like. To have enough courage to rise up and say you know what I have been victimized before and I hate it and it sucks and I never want to go through that again. The easiest way to do this is to have very clear boundaries.  Very clear boundaries that once crossed there is no turning back. Know your enemies just like they were friends. You would rather see the blade coming than to let a blow land.

You can’t just limbo under some and high jump over the others. It’s an either or situation. You have to be very clear on your expectations are others won’t be able to take you seriously. What is it that I am trying to say? For most sexual assault victims (really any on that matter) it is hard for us to draw on any sort of self confidence as it is. For most of our lives we replay the victim role over and over again because at least that outcome is the only one we can trust. When you get used to playing that victimized role your whole sense of self becomes skewed. Like a magnet you draw all these douche bag losers to you and you believe that is all you are worth. When does it happen? How does it happen? And is there a way to prevent this from happening ever again?

To conjure up a solution I would have to think back to a time when I was most happiest. A time when my family was most important to me. When I was that little girl before my brain triggered and all I could think about was boys all I wanted to do was be part of my family. What ended up happening is my boy crazy mind drew my family away. I had to drive them away. Every chance my boyfriend got he was putting cigarettes out on me. Leaving bite marks in places so none of my school friends would see. I wanted a boyfriend so bad and I was convinced he was the only one who wanted me. Somehow my value of self took a nose dive. It is crazy looking back how quick it happened and how it even did.  All I cared about was cigarettes, boys and alcohol. None of those things I would risk my family for now. You know that questions what would you tell your 12 year old self. I would tell her never lose faith in your family. They love you unconditionally. To the moon and back.

Men like to think because you dress a certain way or portray a certain image that they can treat you like a piece of meat. Maybe this was ok to my 20 and maybe even my 30 year old self but not now. In my 20’s I started out looking for a potential life long mate and basically got saddled up with one of the laziest guys I have ever known. Imagine that. So having a piss poor sense of self anyways I get shacked up with a guy who doesn’t work for 4 years (the entire time we were together). I was going to University and had this idea I could be this finance wizard working on the stock exchange. I had dreams. Dreams that would get me out of there no matter the cost. I let him sit there and contribute nothing more than adding to my waist line. What else could I have done? Don’t say it I know. Taking 5 University courses, a correspondence course and 2 jobs while studying for my first level of the Certified Financial Analyst exam the last thing I wanted was to be alone. What a waste of time that was.

Sitting at over 200 pounds moving to the big city I shed more than a few dress sizes. Being out from the weight of feeling like I needed him to survive I found myself in a city by myself. From there things got very toxic. I couldn’t imagine a future with anybody although that is all I wanted. I was drawn to these guys that would have no careers no future all just to feel like maybe I had somebody. There were a few I grew attached to but I just let crazy out to play. She always had this ability to drive even the worst guys away. Things really began to escalate for me in the sense since 2012 I really dated no one. Yes I am now married to my husband but back then. There was not a hope and a prayer that would have gotten me to say “I do.”

Somewhere along the way the weight of the bags that I have been carrying eventually became too much. I just wanted to be free from it all and be able to step into my own light. Whether or not anybody stood by my side it no longer mattered. I had to speak what has long since bubbling inside me and just be free. Truth, living your truth will set you free. Free from the chains of the thoughts of those who hate you. Free from the chains of the sins that others have imposed on you. Free from the chains of anybody who is hell bound on containing you. Why do you want to live in another’s nightmare when you can work on building your own dream. The moment I let go of the weight that I was carrying incredible things have begun to happen. There are still those that have an opinion of ill towards me. Why would there opinion matter anymore than the mud on my shoes. In fact the mud on my shoes would probably bother me more because it has the potential to be run through my house. To sparkle or to fade you owe it to yourself.  Haven’t they already stolen the best moments of our lives? Why do we need to hand them over any more?


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