People like to ask what would you tell your younger self if given the chance. I like to think that my younger self would listen but with youth comes this misplace arrogance that doesn’t allow us to clearly see the consequences of our actions. We always believe the horrible things we read and see could never possibly happen to us. We see other people we know suffering in their pain and at times we feel these pangs of sorrow but our brains can’t fully register what doesn’t rip us apart. Those slow tares that happen every time a tear escapes your eyes sometimes doesn’t have the impact that we would assume. Usually it takes something all too catastrophic to make the dream feel like a reality.

There is so much guilt that comes with living. The minute somebody you love stops breathing you hold your breath trying to will them into coming back. There is no feeling like being close to death. All the promises and deals you want to make mean nothing. There is no magic with death. Just that still, cold air that overtakes the room. I want to believe that there can be good in the life we get to live but it is hard when all you see is this self discontent threatening the most innocent. Perverting our essence and way of being. Taunting us to believe in a new reality. The new concept of somebody else’s sick twisted thoughts trying to make it more acceptable. The coward wants to end their own pain. The hero wants to try and prevent others from the same fate.

I would be a liar if I tried to convince you that I don’t think about what it would be like if I was no longer one with the Earth. The way the World is moving it is something that I have never had a desire to be a apart. Through the depressed aura of over zealous self righteous entitlement though I always see the silver lining. Amongst the chaos there is always something to cling to that is so much bigger than you could ever know. There was a husband of 4 who frequently threatened to end his life. Tragically he was successful in his attempt. Leaving a grieving widow and 4 heartbroken children to try and untangle the toxic webs of lies he weaved in order to get to that point. In our depressed state though the depths of it are unknown. If the spiral you find yourself in something that you can’t gain control of then the worst outcome becomes real.

We shouldn’t joke about taking our lives but sometimes in the most desperate of circumstances it is all we see. When I start to find myself in the tailspin of just wanting all this negativity to end I realize that the only true way for that to be real is for the whole world to implode. It isn’t just one of us that needs a reset but the whole world. We have grown into this weird over entitled race that only sees what we have in our bank accounts and failing that we look to see who has accumulated the most wealth  by other means. What does it truly mean to connect with anybody? Somebody to share the rest of your life with? Not a passing fancy in order to keep with the Joneses but a real tried and true friend that when push comes to shove you know that they will have their feet firmly planted in the ground. Does that even exist anymore? I have watched a girlfriend get engaged I think 3 different times in over the last few years and has yet to even become a wife. Is it the title’s that attract us or the family dynamic. A family consists more of just the mom and dad. Your family is anybody in your close circle who brings you joy.

I keep a picture of my Grandparents where I spend most of my time. I love seeing the two of them together. They were my inspiration to wanting a great life. I know in their hearts that was their dream for me to. I would be ignorant to ignore the fact that at one time they were young just like me. Filled with so much hope and promise and love. They keep me here when oddly they are not. My Grandmother reminds me how beautiful life can be. She lived her whole life taking care of her family. She loved her boys and her daughter. She loved all her animals on her farm. She devoted her life to her family and that is exactly who I want to be. Sometimes I feel so incredible selfish in the wants that I have acquired. I think my Grandmother only had a handful of dresses that she made herself. It didn’t matter she was always so beautiful to me. Even with her rollers in her hair she was picture perfect. I true lady who I hope to one day become.

If you think too long about those you’ve lost you will go insane. But there are ways to make it seem more of a comfort. One day none of this exist. These words, my life, all my possessions will one day be sitting at the bottom of a garbage heap. Maybe even covered by dirt. It is insanity to think that over all the billions and billions of years the planet as we know it has found a way to survive. I wonder if Earth can save itself from all the crimes against humanity and nature we have consistently found ourselves valuing more than anything else. We were given such a beautiful chance to envelope ourselves in so much life and love yet for some we would rather measure our accomplishments in the pain we force onto others. What kind of species are we? To destroy this beautiful planet for things that had no chance of lasting our lifetime. When given the chance we destroy it. Nobody wins. Not in this reality.