Did you ever get so caught up in your own poisonous self hate that it didn’t seem to matter anymore. Taunting yourself with the truth of your own lies. You couldn’t tell which way to go even if there was somebody guiding you along a well lite path. The problem with self contempt is you like to mix it in with pride. Become so self assured in your selfish lies that you don’t even recognize who you become. Maybe it was the drugs or the alcohol or very likely a combination of both. Back then I didn’t know myself at all. I gave up on her long ago on some side street when she was a teen.
Once you lose yourself and become tainted with the filth of promiscuity there is truly no going back. Once you have been with one it is like you have been with them all and to be liked you learn to fake it. At least for me that is how I felt. Losing your virginity at only 13 makes you feel dirty and almost like trash. Not almost. I was trash. My Father never looked me in the eyes again. My Father never loved me again after that. Imagine having that bestowed upon you. Trying to come to terms with what was happening you lost the love of the man who was the hero in your eyes. Of course you did. There is no harder hit to the self esteem than that.
When you learn to hate yourself in new creative ways you see that there is nothing left off limits. If the mind can dream it you can find a way to achieve it. Taunt fate and say all the hail Mary’s and maybe salvation would find you. I have a lot to be sorry for in the same ways that I have a lot to be thankful for. I want to share with other’s the storey of my life as that is the way that we begin to grow. How can we learn from the experience if we are too ashamed to share. I am scared to tear down every wall and see who wants to come on in. At times in my past I wasn’t the nicest. I did some pretty shallow things that I justified in my own eyes. The things that I did I justified away by convincing myself that I did it for revenge. The reality is I did it for my own insecurities and I covered it up with the shadows of revenge.
Shortly after when the guy I was seeing went to jail I found out I was pregnant. Once again a lucky shot. I found out the day he was sentenced. He will tell anyone I hid it for months. The truth is I told him as soon as I could and I was torn inside on what to do. At the house party where chaos erupted I had met a nice couple who befriended me. I went to their house only once when they saw what I was stuck in. My boyfriend at the time blew up my phone asking when I was going to be home. I mean so many messages. They told me that if I needed some place to stay that there place was open. I have no idea what I was thinking because there truly was absolutely no space. What I found myself doing when I got home was telling him everything. He of course had the reaction I was expecting and I ran off back to their house.
It is impossible for me to know the sequence of events but over time we all started hanging out again. There was a lot of partying and definitely a lot of poor decisions and the girl who threw me down the bank ended up losing her licence due to drinking. That ignited this tailspin of craziness. I mean she was drunk every night, doing blow, having random sex. She was a train wreck. The couple I was staying with took advantage of her. At least to me that is how I saw it. I remembered her when she was good. My heart ached for her. Somehow throw it all we were able to find our way to being friends again. She expressed her concern with losing her licence and she didn’t know who she could get to take over her car. In my head I was able to justify spending time with her by driving her car. I needed a car anyways to go and see that guy in jail so why not use this girl to get my revenge. At least that is what I told my head.
Truth be told what I was feeling for her was something entirely new to me. It scared me and frightened me and gave me a rush. Still I was embarrassed that I could feel that way about a girl so I tried to tell myself I was using her. I hated lying to her but who I should have hated lying to was myself. I repeated to myself all the ways that I couldn’t. I reminded myself of what she did to me. I even went as far to convince myself that she was the reason I had lost our baby. The baby was aborted because common sense reminded me just how much of a mistake that would be. To have a baby with a convict who was going to be out in who knows how long. I kinda woke up then.
I had nobody to talk to about what I was feeling and there was nobody I knew that I could reach out to. I was trapped in my head alone with my own poisoned thoughts corrupted by the very innocence that was stolen from me. My act of revenge wasn’t so much as an attempt to try and mask what I was truly feeling. At least with a charade the only person that I had hoped to hurt was me, wasn’t it?